A dreary world

It's like I mysteriously went in back in time. They say history repeats its self and only now am I able to see how that is true because no matter how much we try to progress and not return to that place of darkness we nearly always do. People are simply similar so life is a set of a-joined loops, until you reach the end when suddenly it's all new.

I'm stuck here, just as I was those few years previous. Disconnected. Day after day I wonder why I am still here, why my heart is not 6feet under, because without the experiences which I crave I am as good as dead. A pack of wild beasts could tear me into peaces the size of bread crumbs and I wouldn't care but nor would anybody else. "This existence has to be over soon" I tell myself, yet the next morning I wake and its still there haunting me.  Weekends with no need nor desire to be awake, to be out of bed, to be alive.

So I just slump there. My mind goes through worlds that nobody knows exists because  nobody asks so the keys stay in my thought. TV flickers, the highlight of my existence, and with every show comes the constant reminder of what could have been, what I wanted to be if my greyness had not destroyed me. Music reaches my ears occasionally, making me drift into memories which I wish I could feed the devil. In between these activities I munch on whatever I can find but more for something to do then for survival and any taste vanished with the re-birth of this. With the night comes the terrors from my childhood that for a brief period I thought I'd escaped, yet now they return to me. No people are present in the world in which i live as I just float by in the background, not wishing to interrupt or ruin that happy moment. My dreary activities in these few lines, but I have nothing else.

Once I shone, I sang, I danced but even as someone found me and brought me up from where I'd fallen they remained silent. Brief sparks flew from me but not the fireworks that had been before. Then just as something begin to stir inside of me I was flung down from my height and heart was slashed but left to keep beating. Back at the land of someday. Let me tell you something about 'someday' - it never comes. Whatever you do, however hard you long, no matter how you try someday remains on the horizon. My life is a black whole which I can not ever again escape from. It is who I am. It is the final end. It is all.