How it was

How it was:

I needed you to know what I felt and the thoughts which went through my head at different times, but I couldn't do it. I got so scared that something I said might hurt you, or scare you or anger you and I didn't and don't want to do any of that and I'm never going to. But you are honestly the strongest person that I've ever met. So you wanted to know what i felt and thought? Well here's an insight.

When you sat next to me, all I want to do was reach out a touch your hand, but i couldn't. They were warm, soft and comforting. On the rare occasions where my hand touched yours something changed inside of me. All of a sudden, regardless of how broken i was or how much pain I was in, it just vanished. For a short time I felt safe, as an overwhelming sense of calm came over me. Sometimes I need to, not that you always knew this so i stayed away. When you said something that hurt me and i felt i might crumble in front of you I'd clench my fists, try to stay strong, but it was difficult. I'd try to stay near you. When I could it meant that the pain of the words coming from your mouth were behind a shield which your touch put around me, protecting my heart temporarily. As soon as you were gone my heart received the full effect of the bullets that had before that point been cushioned, but at least this way you didn't see the effects.

I am a coward. I run when things get to much, so i used to with you. When you hurt me it was different to anyone else. It felt like something had a hold of my chest, making it near impossible for me to breath. I could feel my heart as it turned to lead and a sort of dark emptiness which seemed to be ever tightening around it. I tried to forget you, just until the bullets became memories shut in a chest in my mind, but I never could.

And then I ran. But this is the bravest act of cowardice there is, because it was to protect you and because I came back. I'd make an excuse to leave your side just for a minuet, you never noticed that's what it was and part of me hoped that you never would. Then for a minuet I'd sit with head in hands trying to breath again, occasionally a tear would run down my cheek as i quickly glued myself together. I would build up my strength until I was human again and then I'd go back to you, I always did and always will. I'd return at your side pretending that nothing had happened. The glue holds off most of the pain from then until you left or closed your eyes beside me and then i was in peaces. The glue couldn't hold me together any more. Within seconds I was a mess. My thoughts were all of pain, though my heart didn't care about it. Tears rolled down my face, though my heart didn't notice. My breathing got faster, my heart didn't try to slow it down. As long as you were happy and safe it would didn't matter.


That was a long time ago now. I'm no longer as scared or breakable as i was back then. I can now tell you the things i hid from you for so long if you desire or there's a need for it. I'm afraid my friend that what i hid from you, this and so much more may detest you - but some of it should be said. I am ashamed of what i was back then. I'm sorry for my uncontrollable naivety, my crumbling and everything else.

Yours sincerely your friend x

What you really are

To My best friend, this blog is in response to your one called 'One Day' because it was to long to comment.

One day I will realise how everything you warned me about you is the opposite of the true you because any person who tells you that you are even close to how you see yourself so is either lying due to anger or has no idea who you really are but are jealous of what they see.

Yes, my best friend I have let my defences down with you but, I don't regret that and never will. Although I know you are a tremendous actress I think its also fair to say that I have also seen you when you weren't acting and i still didn't see the monster which you speak of. I love you for who you are, believe that it's good enough.

You may be young, we both are but you've faced a lot of things that many people never have to face in a life time let alone by the age of 16. That makes you one of the strongest person i know. And mentally you are very wise and way over 16. Despite what you think there is not a trace of evil within you, there is good and bad like in all people but nothing more than that and there never can be because you are above that and are much to good a person.

I've heard what people don't like about you, but those people haven't ever taken the time to get to know you and see what me and all the others who are lucky enough to get close to you have. And the fact that the one exception to this regrets her mistakes after just remembering the true you proves that. There was one day where a slight part of my mind doubted you and that day we had one of the only two fights we've had and i hated it and i hated myself for it and for ever having any doubt of you because It was so wrong of me to lose even the smallest amount of faith in you for just a second. We're never going back to a day like that again.

I will leave you, because as you've probably realised I tend to hang onto people who were once my close friends and i hold on to them for a very long time. We may not be as close as we are now forever but I will never hate you and you have my word on that. So you better prepare yourself because you're stuck with my annoying arse forever.

The things which I love about you I will love forever and I shall never think of you when I think of my stupidity. Being friends with you is one of the smartest things I've ever done and where would I be without you? because the thought of that and the fact after 2 years we won't be together any more scares me more than almost anything else. I know what I see in you and I will always remember you, my best friend. And if you change, well then I guess you'll have to deal with me changing alongside you.

One day you will realise you are not a monster and that it's what your friends think of you that is who you really are.

From your forever friend xx

happy birthday besttie xx

Dear my best friend Dani,

Happy Birthday hun!!!! Wow 16 at last, it’s “the passing of age” as they say. And at 16 we all know what you can do…but a lottery ticket!!!!! J I know the thought of buying a lottery ticket is amazing isn’t it, just the whole idea of it is insane. It’s a shame you can’t legally do much else now your 16 though :P don’t know why that is. Maybe the government recons people should know that Rome is a capital city before there legal aloud to do anything else lol, sorry hun couldn’t resist.

              

You are my best friend and you will be for as long as you want to be I promise you. I will never leave you and have no desire to do so because you truly are the best friend I’ve ever had hun. You’re an amazing person and should never see yourself as anything less than that, on today of all days, because you would be very much mistaken. You are beautiful and you should know that and believe it as it is very much true. So now please smile, because you deserve to be happy believe that and believe that dreams come true every day, because they do.

So hun, don’t let this new age change you because I like you just the way you are. I hope you have the best day like you more than deserve. So I love you and happy birthday!!!!!

Lots of love always, Sophie xxx

P.S. sorry the date and time bellow lies, it gave the time that the draft of this post was saved xxx

happy birthday friend

To a dear friend,

it's your birthday today so i thought i would write this for you.

1st of all Happy birthday hun i love you now and always will because you're amazing. I hope you had a lovely day and got everything you wanted because you deserve it and that you enjoyed my present :P

wow 18, you can do more now than ever before and are now really in the world. But don't grow up to fast where would be the fun in that??? and WOW you have a guy!!! I hope you enjoy the lessons and pass your test 1st time so you can get down here.

So yeah i love you hun, happy birthday x