Cause and Reaction

"SPLIT COPS!!!!" Came a familiar voice from behind. At that we were in motion. I ran through the darkness in whichever direction my legs would take me, without knowing the fate of the others. Rain shot down from the sky into my face, stinging my eyes, hindering my sight, but my feet still new where I was going.

Sirens echoed behind me, so I ducked down an alley. Onwards I fled, through the jungle of nettles -I could hardly feel the stings at my legs. Muffled voices came from a turn off ahead, so I dodged to my left where a fence met drenched body and cut face. Quickly I placed my foot onto a fallen branch, scrambled up the wooden fence and with great force swung my legs over it. A short thud on was heard on the wet ground when I landed, but I didn't wait to here if they'd heard me. On I charged.

I was more than tired by now. I'd come to a row of shops where I kept dodging into there entrances to catch breath and make sure all was clear. When my lungs no longer felt as though knives were stabbing at them and my legs felt attached to me again I sprinted on. Across the street I fled.

Traffic roared as I wove among cars, attempting to escape, find a hide out. Suddenly a white beam of light illuminated on me. I was dead for sure. I held my hands out in its direction and shut my eyes, tight. I hardly notice my half step backwards as the car screeched at me.

I was still here. My hands were on top of the cars bonit. For a brief second I looked up from under my dripping blond and brown fringe. The sight in front of me sunk my heart in my chest. Red and blue flickered across my face and i was being defined by an earsplitting noise. I'd run into a cop car. There was no time for my heart to return to its normal state. Off I went through the storm, to keep going was my only option so I let my feet carry me onwards. The footsteps behind me grew loader.

Then, something grabbed my right arm and I was swung around by the shear force. Flapping my arm furiously, I attempted to struggle free but I knew shortly that it was no use. My left arm was then grabbed also and both were pinned behind my back. I was lowered to the ground and my face was flattened against the hard concrete. A cold trickle of blood ran down the side of my face as the weight of a policeman crushed into my back.

What had I done? Well what hadn't I done would have been a better question.

I'm Casey. Just 2 years before that night, when I was just 14, my mother had died. With my father off in Bangladesh with his second wife I was supposed to go into care. Not wanting to be stuck in that dump I took to the streets. Drink, drugs and theft were just an everyday occurrence. As the addictions grew stronger me and the gang began pulling bigger stunts. It was inevitable that soon enough the police would catch up with us eventually, but that didn't make it any better when it happened.

When a policeman is pressing your face into the ground, there is blood running down your face and your spending the next few nights (at least) in a cell, you can't help but think about what comes next and where things went wrong. Will you ever get out of here? Will you ever fall in love? will you ever have a family? All those thoughts were flowing through your mind you come to one conclusion. If you could do all it all over what's the one thing you'd change to fix everything else?

"my sky had been grey for 6 months..."

"my sky had been grey for 6 months..." a sentence that I wrote about myself 2 years ago. Little did I know that the hidden meaning of this sentence was going to shape my future. The start of the downwards spiral.

What happened? guys, what else. It may have been guilt, loss of what i had unknowingly wanted or lack of gain, but I didn't recover. I made one decision and I become a black whole, dragging misery in. Nothing else existed. It was as though the devil was following me, controlling everything.

I built up walls as a shield around me, but on the rare occasions where they were torn down i disintegrated even more. A mess. The happy childhood light that had used to shine from my eyes had become a flicker and then died leaving only darkness. I was shadow, present in physical form but mentally i was in a world of my own configuration so as to escape from all the tortures which I saw around me. There was very little in my life, the happy endings i saw in films were all i lived for. My life was built around nothing more than that. It was then I realised that that's all I'd ever been, hopeless, scared and alone.

Suddenly life was injected into me. One person dragged me out of that whole of deep despair and saved me from the pain I'd inflicted on myself. Something mattered again. In the words of Peyton Sawyer "their are currently 7,012,496,761 people in the world, and sometimes all you need is one". So to that one person, thank you

A religous death

Body burnt away,
Not left to decay,
Person dressed and washed,
No stone, just ashes, gosh,

Holy book read,
Now your loved one's dead,
Hope they reunight with God in the sky,
Friends and family come to say goodbye,

Confronts from the holy book,
Now that somes life been took,
Holy hymns are sung,
At the death of a loved on,

Winter

here's the second of the two:

Sorrow all around,
As the snow reaches the ground,
People sliding down the road,
Parents with their heavy load,
In the street, children cry,
Happiness, what a lie,
The sky above stays grey,
Just another winters day,

Her

At my youth group we had a poetry night so the next 2 poems are what I wrote there:

Angel, I saw her there,
One look, one glance, one stair,
Beautiful by definition,
She was on a peaceful mission,
My heart skipped a beat,
The first time I saw you in the street,
As months grew long,
My feelings carried on,
You'd sworn they'd be no other,
Yet one day you found another,
This heart of my reduced to stone,
Now I was left all alone,
I knew still that their could be no other,
And to this day I am not recovered,

the final letter

May 1927

Blanche,

By now the monster, my true self will have taken over and I will be gone. George Bernard Shaw once wrote:
           " there are two tragedies in life, one is gaining your hearts desire and the other is losing it".
 I have loved and I have lost, there is nothing left for me now.
My watch ticks.

I sit here under a rainbow - It used to be a thing of magic and wonder. Now I see no good and in fact may even despise the rainbow. The true me is here and I can't hide from it, but I need to.
My watch ticks.

You used to be the light in me, but not anymore. How naive I was back then, thinking that was love. well love doesn't exist. We're brought up with fairy tales, hope, happily ever after, but it never really happens. That illusion has now shattered in my mind.
My watch ticks.

I am in a constant eclipse - all hope, light and life has gone. There is nothing left for me now.
My watch stops ticking.

letter 402

12/5/1927 - letter 402

Dear Blanche,

I don't know what's happening to me. I can no longer see the light which used to shine so radiantly out of your eyes - now it is just a distant memory. There are no longer any happy reflections, there instead I see a crow swoop over your face and I want nothing more then to make it go away - but I can't.

The sun is setting and I fear that I must go with it. The moon, it brings the real me alive and I can't control it. It's as though the green and red monster, which eats away at my suffering, bursts out of its cage and takes control of my chest, my mind, my heart. it poisons me, making me feel what no man should feel, what I can't feel.

I am not who you think I am. Not a shy, sweet, innocent child - not anymore. I am a monster and my time is coming. On a dark night with no stars for they, like all things, is repulsed by me. Soon all restraints will be gone and I am coming. I am imprisoned...for now, a prisoner criminal waiting for punishment. But when it is given, when the hammer hits the woodwork, I am gone.

So for now i leave you with Percy Green:

"A man with words and no deeds,
Is like a garden full of weeds,
And when the weeds begin to grow,
It's like a garden full of snow.
And when the snow begins to fall,
It's like a bird upon the wall,
And when the bird away does fly,
It's like an eagle in the sky,
And when the sky begins to roar,
It's like a lion at the door,
And when that door begins to crack,
It's like a stick across your back,
And when your back begins to smart,
It's like a pen knife in your heart,
And when your heart begins to bleed,
You're dead and dead and dead indeed,"