At my youth group we had a poetry night so the next 2 poems are what I wrote there:
Angel, I saw her there,
One look, one glance, one stair,
Beautiful by definition,
She was on a peaceful mission,
My heart skipped a beat,
The first time I saw you in the street,
As months grew long,
My feelings carried on,
You'd sworn they'd be no other,
Yet one day you found another,
This heart of my reduced to stone,
Now I was left all alone,
I knew still that their could be no other,
And to this day I am not recovered,
Wednesday, 14 December 2011
Friday, 25 November 2011
the final letter
May 1927
Blanche,
By now the monster, my true self will have taken over and I will be gone. George Bernard Shaw once wrote:
" there are two tragedies in life, one is gaining your hearts desire and the other is losing it".
I have loved and I have lost, there is nothing left for me now.
My watch ticks.
I sit here under a rainbow - It used to be a thing of magic and wonder. Now I see no good and in fact may even despise the rainbow. The true me is here and I can't hide from it, but I need to.
My watch ticks.
You used to be the light in me, but not anymore. How naive I was back then, thinking that was love. well love doesn't exist. We're brought up with fairy tales, hope, happily ever after, but it never really happens. That illusion has now shattered in my mind.
My watch ticks.
I am in a constant eclipse - all hope, light and life has gone. There is nothing left for me now.
My watch stops ticking.
Blanche,
By now the monster, my true self will have taken over and I will be gone. George Bernard Shaw once wrote:
" there are two tragedies in life, one is gaining your hearts desire and the other is losing it".
I have loved and I have lost, there is nothing left for me now.
My watch ticks.
I sit here under a rainbow - It used to be a thing of magic and wonder. Now I see no good and in fact may even despise the rainbow. The true me is here and I can't hide from it, but I need to.
My watch ticks.
You used to be the light in me, but not anymore. How naive I was back then, thinking that was love. well love doesn't exist. We're brought up with fairy tales, hope, happily ever after, but it never really happens. That illusion has now shattered in my mind.
My watch ticks.
I am in a constant eclipse - all hope, light and life has gone. There is nothing left for me now.
My watch stops ticking.
letter 402
12/5/1927 - letter 402
Dear Blanche,
I don't know what's happening to me. I can no longer see the light which used to shine so radiantly out of your eyes - now it is just a distant memory. There are no longer any happy reflections, there instead I see a crow swoop over your face and I want nothing more then to make it go away - but I can't.
The sun is setting and I fear that I must go with it. The moon, it brings the real me alive and I can't control it. It's as though the green and red monster, which eats away at my suffering, bursts out of its cage and takes control of my chest, my mind, my heart. it poisons me, making me feel what no man should feel, what I can't feel.
I am not who you think I am. Not a shy, sweet, innocent child - not anymore. I am a monster and my time is coming. On a dark night with no stars for they, like all things, is repulsed by me. Soon all restraints will be gone and I am coming. I am imprisoned...for now, a prisoner criminal waiting for punishment. But when it is given, when the hammer hits the woodwork, I am gone.
So for now i leave you with Percy Green:
"A man with words and no deeds,
Is like a garden full of weeds,
And when the weeds begin to grow,
It's like a garden full of snow.
And when the snow begins to fall,
It's like a bird upon the wall,
And when the bird away does fly,
It's like an eagle in the sky,
And when the sky begins to roar,
It's like a lion at the door,
And when that door begins to crack,
It's like a stick across your back,
And when your back begins to smart,
It's like a pen knife in your heart,
And when your heart begins to bleed,
You're dead and dead and dead indeed,"
Dear Blanche,
I don't know what's happening to me. I can no longer see the light which used to shine so radiantly out of your eyes - now it is just a distant memory. There are no longer any happy reflections, there instead I see a crow swoop over your face and I want nothing more then to make it go away - but I can't.
The sun is setting and I fear that I must go with it. The moon, it brings the real me alive and I can't control it. It's as though the green and red monster, which eats away at my suffering, bursts out of its cage and takes control of my chest, my mind, my heart. it poisons me, making me feel what no man should feel, what I can't feel.
I am not who you think I am. Not a shy, sweet, innocent child - not anymore. I am a monster and my time is coming. On a dark night with no stars for they, like all things, is repulsed by me. Soon all restraints will be gone and I am coming. I am imprisoned...for now, a prisoner criminal waiting for punishment. But when it is given, when the hammer hits the woodwork, I am gone.
So for now i leave you with Percy Green:
"A man with words and no deeds,
Is like a garden full of weeds,
And when the weeds begin to grow,
It's like a garden full of snow.
And when the snow begins to fall,
It's like a bird upon the wall,
And when the bird away does fly,
It's like an eagle in the sky,
And when the sky begins to roar,
It's like a lion at the door,
And when that door begins to crack,
It's like a stick across your back,
And when your back begins to smart,
It's like a pen knife in your heart,
And when your heart begins to bleed,
You're dead and dead and dead indeed,"
Letter 2
22/6/1925 - letter 2
Dear Blanche - my love, my one, my only,
When I look at you I see everything. You're the most beautiful being I've ever seen, an angel. Your pearl white dress, flowing hair and deep soulful eyes which made it clear that you were different from the moment I saw all those years ago. Then I heard your tuneful voice and smelt your scent of newly budded roses. You were and are, as is expected from an angel, perfection - in every sense of the word. Until I met you I didn't believe perfection to be even close to possible.
Everyday you're there, right next to me, and you're mine. What miracle did I perform to deserve this? to deserve you? I'm not sure about "meant to be" or any of that which I hear and read about, but I know how I feel about you now and that's all that matters. As for now the sky is shining sapphire, the grass pure emerald, as for the sun - it's the hope I have when i look at you - burning brighter and ever brighter.
Henry David Thorear once wrote: "There is no remedy for love, but to love more" and I feel that this is what I shall have to do to you sweetheart, because there is nothing else I could do, for I am a child in comparison with your fine self.
Your sincerely,
The one that loves you x
Dear Blanche - my love, my one, my only,
When I look at you I see everything. You're the most beautiful being I've ever seen, an angel. Your pearl white dress, flowing hair and deep soulful eyes which made it clear that you were different from the moment I saw all those years ago. Then I heard your tuneful voice and smelt your scent of newly budded roses. You were and are, as is expected from an angel, perfection - in every sense of the word. Until I met you I didn't believe perfection to be even close to possible.
Everyday you're there, right next to me, and you're mine. What miracle did I perform to deserve this? to deserve you? I'm not sure about "meant to be" or any of that which I hear and read about, but I know how I feel about you now and that's all that matters. As for now the sky is shining sapphire, the grass pure emerald, as for the sun - it's the hope I have when i look at you - burning brighter and ever brighter.
Henry David Thorear once wrote: "There is no remedy for love, but to love more" and I feel that this is what I shall have to do to you sweetheart, because there is nothing else I could do, for I am a child in comparison with your fine self.
Your sincerely,
The one that loves you x
Letter 1
21/6/1925 - letter 1
Dear Blanche -my love, my one, my only,
When I am with you I am a seed, newly planted. I have been ready and waiting for you for as long as I can remember. The green prospects of hope lay in my shoots. And now you're here, the rain. The glorious rain which I crave and desire. So reflective, yet so transparent. Hydrogen and Oxygen bonded together, unable to part as we are. Now all hope is with you.
With your help I broke out of the ground, shooting for the skies. Knowing you will always be there, keeping me upright, keeping me stable, I couldn't be any stronger. You're here with me when I need you most. When I am with you, I long for your return because I miss you so. You've built me up. prepared me for those days I wait for you. This soil is mine, this sun is mine, this life is mine. Now I've got you - nothing can stop me! I burst out - a bright yellow flower.
Yours Sincerely
yours always x
Dear Blanche -my love, my one, my only,
When I am with you I am a seed, newly planted. I have been ready and waiting for you for as long as I can remember. The green prospects of hope lay in my shoots. And now you're here, the rain. The glorious rain which I crave and desire. So reflective, yet so transparent. Hydrogen and Oxygen bonded together, unable to part as we are. Now all hope is with you.
With your help I broke out of the ground, shooting for the skies. Knowing you will always be there, keeping me upright, keeping me stable, I couldn't be any stronger. You're here with me when I need you most. When I am with you, I long for your return because I miss you so. You've built me up. prepared me for those days I wait for you. This soil is mine, this sun is mine, this life is mine. Now I've got you - nothing can stop me! I burst out - a bright yellow flower.
Yours Sincerely
yours always x
Friday, 7 October 2011
How it was
How it was:
I needed you to know what I felt and the thoughts which went through my head at different times, but I couldn't do it. I got so scared that something I said might hurt you, or scare you or anger you and I didn't and don't want to do any of that and I'm never going to. But you are honestly the strongest person that I've ever met. So you wanted to know what i felt and thought? Well here's an insight.
When you sat next to me, all I want to do was reach out a touch your hand, but i couldn't. They were warm, soft and comforting. On the rare occasions where my hand touched yours something changed inside of me. All of a sudden, regardless of how broken i was or how much pain I was in, it just vanished. For a short time I felt safe, as an overwhelming sense of calm came over me. Sometimes I need to, not that you always knew this so i stayed away. When you said something that hurt me and i felt i might crumble in front of you I'd clench my fists, try to stay strong, but it was difficult. I'd try to stay near you. When I could it meant that the pain of the words coming from your mouth were behind a shield which your touch put around me, protecting my heart temporarily. As soon as you were gone my heart received the full effect of the bullets that had before that point been cushioned, but at least this way you didn't see the effects.
I am a coward. I run when things get to much, so i used to with you. When you hurt me it was different to anyone else. It felt like something had a hold of my chest, making it near impossible for me to breath. I could feel my heart as it turned to lead and a sort of dark emptiness which seemed to be ever tightening around it. I tried to forget you, just until the bullets became memories shut in a chest in my mind, but I never could.
And then I ran. But this is the bravest act of cowardice there is, because it was to protect you and because I came back. I'd make an excuse to leave your side just for a minuet, you never noticed that's what it was and part of me hoped that you never would. Then for a minuet I'd sit with head in hands trying to breath again, occasionally a tear would run down my cheek as i quickly glued myself together. I would build up my strength until I was human again and then I'd go back to you, I always did and always will. I'd return at your side pretending that nothing had happened. The glue holds off most of the pain from then until you left or closed your eyes beside me and then i was in peaces. The glue couldn't hold me together any more. Within seconds I was a mess. My thoughts were all of pain, though my heart didn't care about it. Tears rolled down my face, though my heart didn't notice. My breathing got faster, my heart didn't try to slow it down. As long as you were happy and safe it would didn't matter.
That was a long time ago now. I'm no longer as scared or breakable as i was back then. I can now tell you the things i hid from you for so long if you desire or there's a need for it. I'm afraid my friend that what i hid from you, this and so much more may detest you - but some of it should be said. I am ashamed of what i was back then. I'm sorry for my uncontrollable naivety, my crumbling and everything else.
Yours sincerely your friend x
I needed you to know what I felt and the thoughts which went through my head at different times, but I couldn't do it. I got so scared that something I said might hurt you, or scare you or anger you and I didn't and don't want to do any of that and I'm never going to. But you are honestly the strongest person that I've ever met. So you wanted to know what i felt and thought? Well here's an insight.
When you sat next to me, all I want to do was reach out a touch your hand, but i couldn't. They were warm, soft and comforting. On the rare occasions where my hand touched yours something changed inside of me. All of a sudden, regardless of how broken i was or how much pain I was in, it just vanished. For a short time I felt safe, as an overwhelming sense of calm came over me. Sometimes I need to, not that you always knew this so i stayed away. When you said something that hurt me and i felt i might crumble in front of you I'd clench my fists, try to stay strong, but it was difficult. I'd try to stay near you. When I could it meant that the pain of the words coming from your mouth were behind a shield which your touch put around me, protecting my heart temporarily. As soon as you were gone my heart received the full effect of the bullets that had before that point been cushioned, but at least this way you didn't see the effects.
I am a coward. I run when things get to much, so i used to with you. When you hurt me it was different to anyone else. It felt like something had a hold of my chest, making it near impossible for me to breath. I could feel my heart as it turned to lead and a sort of dark emptiness which seemed to be ever tightening around it. I tried to forget you, just until the bullets became memories shut in a chest in my mind, but I never could.
And then I ran. But this is the bravest act of cowardice there is, because it was to protect you and because I came back. I'd make an excuse to leave your side just for a minuet, you never noticed that's what it was and part of me hoped that you never would. Then for a minuet I'd sit with head in hands trying to breath again, occasionally a tear would run down my cheek as i quickly glued myself together. I would build up my strength until I was human again and then I'd go back to you, I always did and always will. I'd return at your side pretending that nothing had happened. The glue holds off most of the pain from then until you left or closed your eyes beside me and then i was in peaces. The glue couldn't hold me together any more. Within seconds I was a mess. My thoughts were all of pain, though my heart didn't care about it. Tears rolled down my face, though my heart didn't notice. My breathing got faster, my heart didn't try to slow it down. As long as you were happy and safe it would didn't matter.
That was a long time ago now. I'm no longer as scared or breakable as i was back then. I can now tell you the things i hid from you for so long if you desire or there's a need for it. I'm afraid my friend that what i hid from you, this and so much more may detest you - but some of it should be said. I am ashamed of what i was back then. I'm sorry for my uncontrollable naivety, my crumbling and everything else.
Yours sincerely your friend x
A flower without rain
I was a seed, newly planted. Ready and waiting for what was coming. The prospects of hope lay there in my shoots. Along you came, the rain. The glorious rain that i craved and desired. Water, perfect in your complex, simplicity. So gentle, yet powerful. So clear yet so blurred. So reflective and yet so transparent. Hydrogen and oxygen bonded together as one, unable to part, as we were. Now all hope was with you.
With your help I broke out of the ground, shooting for the skies. Knowing you were always there, keeping me upright, keeping me stable, I couldn't have been stronger. You'd be there with me when i needed you most. When i was without you I longed for your return because I missed you so. You built me up, prepared me for those days when I awaited you. This soil was mine, this sun was mine, this life was mine. Nothing could stop me!
But now summer's come, and there is rain no more. You've left me. I long await your return, as ever, but knowing this time that it will not come. The sun that made me squirm because it meant a day without you is now all I have. You know I need both. I was reliant on you, now without you I will surly shrivel into a brown, crisping mass. I will crumble at the slightest touch, no bees, nor butterflies nor other elegant creatures will touch me now. My insides will drain of all you gave me. Then I will die.
Tell me how to bring you close? The thing i need to survive. Save me as you always do and allow me to grow and bloom as i used to. Take my sole of lead and turn it back into feather, take my leaking eyes and turn them back into diamonds, then take my heart of glass and turn it back into rhythm. Place your reflection inside of me where it belongs, and leave it there forever.
With your help I broke out of the ground, shooting for the skies. Knowing you were always there, keeping me upright, keeping me stable, I couldn't have been stronger. You'd be there with me when i needed you most. When i was without you I longed for your return because I missed you so. You built me up, prepared me for those days when I awaited you. This soil was mine, this sun was mine, this life was mine. Nothing could stop me!
But now summer's come, and there is rain no more. You've left me. I long await your return, as ever, but knowing this time that it will not come. The sun that made me squirm because it meant a day without you is now all I have. You know I need both. I was reliant on you, now without you I will surly shrivel into a brown, crisping mass. I will crumble at the slightest touch, no bees, nor butterflies nor other elegant creatures will touch me now. My insides will drain of all you gave me. Then I will die.
Tell me how to bring you close? The thing i need to survive. Save me as you always do and allow me to grow and bloom as i used to. Take my sole of lead and turn it back into feather, take my leaking eyes and turn them back into diamonds, then take my heart of glass and turn it back into rhythm. Place your reflection inside of me where it belongs, and leave it there forever.
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