How it was

How it was:

I needed you to know what I felt and the thoughts which went through my head at different times, but I couldn't do it. I got so scared that something I said might hurt you, or scare you or anger you and I didn't and don't want to do any of that and I'm never going to. But you are honestly the strongest person that I've ever met. So you wanted to know what i felt and thought? Well here's an insight.

When you sat next to me, all I want to do was reach out a touch your hand, but i couldn't. They were warm, soft and comforting. On the rare occasions where my hand touched yours something changed inside of me. All of a sudden, regardless of how broken i was or how much pain I was in, it just vanished. For a short time I felt safe, as an overwhelming sense of calm came over me. Sometimes I need to, not that you always knew this so i stayed away. When you said something that hurt me and i felt i might crumble in front of you I'd clench my fists, try to stay strong, but it was difficult. I'd try to stay near you. When I could it meant that the pain of the words coming from your mouth were behind a shield which your touch put around me, protecting my heart temporarily. As soon as you were gone my heart received the full effect of the bullets that had before that point been cushioned, but at least this way you didn't see the effects.

I am a coward. I run when things get to much, so i used to with you. When you hurt me it was different to anyone else. It felt like something had a hold of my chest, making it near impossible for me to breath. I could feel my heart as it turned to lead and a sort of dark emptiness which seemed to be ever tightening around it. I tried to forget you, just until the bullets became memories shut in a chest in my mind, but I never could.

And then I ran. But this is the bravest act of cowardice there is, because it was to protect you and because I came back. I'd make an excuse to leave your side just for a minuet, you never noticed that's what it was and part of me hoped that you never would. Then for a minuet I'd sit with head in hands trying to breath again, occasionally a tear would run down my cheek as i quickly glued myself together. I would build up my strength until I was human again and then I'd go back to you, I always did and always will. I'd return at your side pretending that nothing had happened. The glue holds off most of the pain from then until you left or closed your eyes beside me and then i was in peaces. The glue couldn't hold me together any more. Within seconds I was a mess. My thoughts were all of pain, though my heart didn't care about it. Tears rolled down my face, though my heart didn't notice. My breathing got faster, my heart didn't try to slow it down. As long as you were happy and safe it would didn't matter.


That was a long time ago now. I'm no longer as scared or breakable as i was back then. I can now tell you the things i hid from you for so long if you desire or there's a need for it. I'm afraid my friend that what i hid from you, this and so much more may detest you - but some of it should be said. I am ashamed of what i was back then. I'm sorry for my uncontrollable naivety, my crumbling and everything else.

Yours sincerely your friend x

A flower without rain

I was a seed, newly planted. Ready and waiting for what was coming. The prospects of hope lay there in my shoots. Along you came, the rain. The glorious rain that i craved and desired. Water, perfect in your complex, simplicity. So gentle, yet powerful. So clear yet so blurred. So reflective and yet so transparent. Hydrogen and oxygen bonded together as one, unable to part, as we were. Now all hope was with you.

With your help I broke out of the ground, shooting for the skies. Knowing you were always there, keeping me upright, keeping me stable, I couldn't have been stronger. You'd be there with me when i needed you most. When i was without you I longed for your return because I missed you so. You built me up, prepared me for those days when I awaited you. This soil was mine, this sun was mine, this life was mine. Nothing could stop me!

But now summer's come, and there is rain no more. You've left me. I long await your return, as ever, but knowing this time that it will not come. The sun that made me squirm because it meant a day without you is now all I have. You know I need both. I was reliant on you, now without you I will surly shrivel into a brown, crisping mass. I will crumble at the slightest touch, no bees, nor butterflies nor other elegant creatures will touch me now. My insides will drain of all you gave me. Then I will die.

Tell me how to bring you close? The thing i need to survive. Save me as you always do and allow me to grow and bloom as i used to.  Take my sole of lead and turn it back into feather, take my leaking eyes and turn them back into diamonds, then take my heart of glass and turn it back into rhythm. Place your reflection inside of me where it belongs, and leave it there forever.

world restored

It was a lovely summers day, three teenagers were walking through a forest with large oak and Burch trees all around them. Rays of hope shone down through the leaves and caught on there elegant faces. Twigs broke lightly under there feet as they walked. Singing birds announced there presents, as though they were royalty. All in all a happy summers day on appearance.

Of the teenagers there were two girls, Karis and Rose, both with flowing hair that reached just below their shoulders that blew in the slight breeze. The boy, James, towered above them and had his hand comfortably in Karis', his blue eyes glancing over at her every few seconds checking for her approval. Rose's emerald green eyes were fixated on the ground in front of her feet as if it held the answer to everything within its leaves. She walked glumly behind Karis and James so as to not interrupt and feeling that by seeing Karis there in front of her, although with someone else, she was still in her world and not just a ghost from some distant memory.

Rose's heart pounded against her chest, you could see it in the darkness that lay within her bodies windows. Her left hand was clutched inside her pocket as though the tighter she squeezed it the less pain she would feel. Her right was half closed and placed over her heart, feeling its beat against her chest, checking it was still beating, still working, still intact.

Just as James pulled karis in close with his arm now firmly around her waist, Rose broke. Peaces lay on the floor around her. She exploded! Not knowing what to do she barged between the two in front, breaking them as far apart as she could manage and stormed into the depth of the forest. Nothing mattered to her now, the only thing that did was gone. If she never found a way out of here, if she died here then it would be far to pleasant an end, not painful or satisfactory enough to match the pain inside her. The gloom was all around her, but she did not care.

It had been less than five minuets in that depressing existence when Rose heard a voice, the one voice which could make her look back, see reason. This voice belonged to Karis.
"Rose, Rose stop!"
Rose stopped in her tracks as soon as she heard it. Karis, having found her and only a few feet away mimicked her motion.
"Rose, come back" she whispered desperately "come back."
"you shouldn't have done that" Rose turned and faced her best friend and staring into her shining brown eyes found she could contain herself no longer. She walked up to Karis and sealed her lips in a tight embrace. Not daring to let go, for fear of what may happen next Rose placed her left arm around her friends neck keeping her as close as possible so as to mend and find hope again. Karis kissed her back with such a passion it was as though she had been freed.

After what seemed to the pair like it could have been hours and yet only seconds at the same time they broke apart. The two stared adamantly at each other, now seeing the reflection of there own desires in the other they refused to step away from each other. It was as though in this moment that they had to remain close and touching at all times, or else the world would end. The sun lit across their beaming faces as they both answered the unasked question with another kiss.

a misserable friend

And then i saw her, everything changed. The light which the night before had shone so radiantly out of her eyes the day before was now nothing more than a distant memory. Now there was a river, in its place, but one with no happy reflections. A crow swooped over her face as I looked into her grieving eyes and wanted nothing more than to bring the life back into them.

Mist lay over the cause for this change as though a cloud had sunk in unison with the heart of her. Though a mask was over her face, there was evidence of her missing peaces on the ground around her; a corner with a blue sky, an edge with a friends smile, and some peaces from the middle with familiar faces. Entries into that bubble, that world of hers were often quickly banished when in this state and who could tell who that would be. So i am in the waiting room, peering through a window until a moment where i might be permitted entry.

I wanted her to be lifted up, as if a puppet, and more than anything i wished to be the one supporting the strings, but anything for the warmth to return with the spring alongside it would have pleased me plenty as it was.

The clock ticked on and still there was no change. It was like she in a comma, you could see her but nothing could be said or done to awaken her. A hug was no more than the wind, words of love were another language, hope - well that was a forgotten dream. All i desired was for an awakening. tick tock. It did not come. Tick tock. It did not come. Tick tock. It did not come.

Awaken my friend, because i miss you. Have hope my friend, because the tunnel is ending. Smile my friend, because i love you x

hope and loss

I give up. This whole life, this whole system is a load of lies. We're brought up with fairy tales, hope and believing in happily ever after, but that never really happens. It's just something which gets fed to the young mind to preserve there innocents, but what's the point? All it means is that when that day comes, that day when the illusion is shattered, your falling off the top of the empire state building instead of just an office block. So why protect them?

One day nothing can make you happier then the life your living and how you spend your time. You sit there wondering how you got so lucky, because you don't deserve this, hell nobody does. Every morning there's a smile because of the rising sun and every night the prospects of the next day linger in your imagination as you fade off into closed eyed fantasy. There may be only desire for one thing, the reason your here, but that's already yours so you hold on, not daring to loosen your grip in case it fades into the awaiting emptiness of the sky above. No man alive could see you without feeling the glow and warmth radiating from you that only those who posses true happiness and nothing else can ever bestow.

However, the next day lightening strikes and your world, life, hopes are nothing more than a distant memory, a passing cloud. Now the rising sun brings you no more than a rude awaking as well as a day symmetrical to the last. Each night the darkness draws a curtain around the grey so the black and red attack you instead from both inside and out. What were once dreams filled with hope have vanished as all hope within you has disintegrated without a trace, now only the screams and evils remain. That desire you once had, that had been keeping you breathing slipped out of the tightness of your grasp as the winds blew to strong and it became no more than a spec in the distant, darkening sky.

People look at you, wondering. What torment in life could have caused any man, child or creature to become such a state. The rats are repulsed by you, the flowers shrivel in your presents, children cry at the sight of you. The radiating stays however, though now that glow which was once around you is a clouded shield which few can ever enter. You fall, you burn, you drown - you're gone.

you are

you are
my sun,
my world,
my everything,
a day is not a day,
nor a night a night
without your presence,
and if this shower of stars above,
does not also rain down upon you,
then the endless darkness is for me,

happiness is a mood

"happiness is not a destination it's a mood"

if hope is just a mood like hunger, anger and sorrow then why is it separated from all the others? Everything we dream about and want in life is because we are under the impression that it will bring us happiness, but won't small things which we take for granted do that to? the things we forget to dream about because there always going to be there? like the sunrise, the stars on a clear night and a baby smiling?

why do we even set up the thoughts in our heads of dreams which we hope will come true, the ones we know i never going to happen, why do we keep putting ourselves through the longing for them with happiness as our destination when the on going disappointments of waiting for that day would make it hardly worth it if that day came around anyways.

Someday, someday is the day where we will all be happy and have everything which we have patiently desired throughout our entire lives. It's a place of dreams, the place we hold out for or define as heaven. I think that really we all hold out for someday because then we have something to believe in, like if we achieve something in our life which is from the world of someday or maybe just something we worked hard for then we get happiness, but not just that we get all of it - everything we wanted.

People are wrong, happiness should just be a mood so that life was simpler. And happiness isn't having the perfect life its about smile and being brave in the face of all the negative things