How it was

How it was:

I needed you to know what I felt and the thoughts which went through my head at different times, but I couldn't do it. I got so scared that something I said might hurt you, or scare you or anger you and I didn't and don't want to do any of that and I'm never going to. But you are honestly the strongest person that I've ever met. So you wanted to know what i felt and thought? Well here's an insight.

When you sat next to me, all I want to do was reach out a touch your hand, but i couldn't. They were warm, soft and comforting. On the rare occasions where my hand touched yours something changed inside of me. All of a sudden, regardless of how broken i was or how much pain I was in, it just vanished. For a short time I felt safe, as an overwhelming sense of calm came over me. Sometimes I need to, not that you always knew this so i stayed away. When you said something that hurt me and i felt i might crumble in front of you I'd clench my fists, try to stay strong, but it was difficult. I'd try to stay near you. When I could it meant that the pain of the words coming from your mouth were behind a shield which your touch put around me, protecting my heart temporarily. As soon as you were gone my heart received the full effect of the bullets that had before that point been cushioned, but at least this way you didn't see the effects.

I am a coward. I run when things get to much, so i used to with you. When you hurt me it was different to anyone else. It felt like something had a hold of my chest, making it near impossible for me to breath. I could feel my heart as it turned to lead and a sort of dark emptiness which seemed to be ever tightening around it. I tried to forget you, just until the bullets became memories shut in a chest in my mind, but I never could.

And then I ran. But this is the bravest act of cowardice there is, because it was to protect you and because I came back. I'd make an excuse to leave your side just for a minuet, you never noticed that's what it was and part of me hoped that you never would. Then for a minuet I'd sit with head in hands trying to breath again, occasionally a tear would run down my cheek as i quickly glued myself together. I would build up my strength until I was human again and then I'd go back to you, I always did and always will. I'd return at your side pretending that nothing had happened. The glue holds off most of the pain from then until you left or closed your eyes beside me and then i was in peaces. The glue couldn't hold me together any more. Within seconds I was a mess. My thoughts were all of pain, though my heart didn't care about it. Tears rolled down my face, though my heart didn't notice. My breathing got faster, my heart didn't try to slow it down. As long as you were happy and safe it would didn't matter.


That was a long time ago now. I'm no longer as scared or breakable as i was back then. I can now tell you the things i hid from you for so long if you desire or there's a need for it. I'm afraid my friend that what i hid from you, this and so much more may detest you - but some of it should be said. I am ashamed of what i was back then. I'm sorry for my uncontrollable naivety, my crumbling and everything else.

Yours sincerely your friend x

A flower without rain

I was a seed, newly planted. Ready and waiting for what was coming. The prospects of hope lay there in my shoots. Along you came, the rain. The glorious rain that i craved and desired. Water, perfect in your complex, simplicity. So gentle, yet powerful. So clear yet so blurred. So reflective and yet so transparent. Hydrogen and oxygen bonded together as one, unable to part, as we were. Now all hope was with you.

With your help I broke out of the ground, shooting for the skies. Knowing you were always there, keeping me upright, keeping me stable, I couldn't have been stronger. You'd be there with me when i needed you most. When i was without you I longed for your return because I missed you so. You built me up, prepared me for those days when I awaited you. This soil was mine, this sun was mine, this life was mine. Nothing could stop me!

But now summer's come, and there is rain no more. You've left me. I long await your return, as ever, but knowing this time that it will not come. The sun that made me squirm because it meant a day without you is now all I have. You know I need both. I was reliant on you, now without you I will surly shrivel into a brown, crisping mass. I will crumble at the slightest touch, no bees, nor butterflies nor other elegant creatures will touch me now. My insides will drain of all you gave me. Then I will die.

Tell me how to bring you close? The thing i need to survive. Save me as you always do and allow me to grow and bloom as i used to.  Take my sole of lead and turn it back into feather, take my leaking eyes and turn them back into diamonds, then take my heart of glass and turn it back into rhythm. Place your reflection inside of me where it belongs, and leave it there forever.