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Wednesday 29 February 2012

the night of dreams

There was a night, long ago;
where the moon did shine and stars did glow,
On that night, in the dark,
I learnt she truly had my heart,
my one desire was to kiss her lips,
until i could no longer resist,
Worlds became a blear,
and I knew i was meant to be with her.

We broke apart.

My and her eyes met,
It was then i knew i must forget;
Where my heart before had pumped,
Now within my chest it sunk,
To me she meant the world!
But to her i was just a girl.
Thus ended my world of dreams,
But she remains with me it seems

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Saturday 25 February 2012

A dreary world

It's like I mysteriously went in back in time. They say history repeats its self and only now am I able to see how that is true because no matter how much we try to progress and not return to that place of darkness we nearly always do. People are simply similar so life is a set of a-joined loops, until you reach the end when suddenly it's all new.

I'm stuck here, just as I was those few years previous. Disconnected. Day after day I wonder why I am still here, why my heart is not 6feet under, because without the experiences which I crave I am as good as dead. A pack of wild beasts could tear me into peaces the size of bread crumbs and I wouldn't care but nor would anybody else. "This existence has to be over soon" I tell myself, yet the next morning I wake and its still there haunting me.  Weekends with no need nor desire to be awake, to be out of bed, to be alive.

So I just slump there. My mind goes through worlds that nobody knows exists because  nobody asks so the keys stay in my thought. TV flickers, the highlight of my existence, and with every show comes the constant reminder of what could have been, what I wanted to be if my greyness had not destroyed me. Music reaches my ears occasionally, making me drift into memories which I wish I could feed the devil. In between these activities I munch on whatever I can find but more for something to do then for survival and any taste vanished with the re-birth of this. With the night comes the terrors from my childhood that for a brief period I thought I'd escaped, yet now they return to me. No people are present in the world in which i live as I just float by in the background, not wishing to interrupt or ruin that happy moment. My dreary activities in these few lines, but I have nothing else.

Once I shone, I sang, I danced but even as someone found me and brought me up from where I'd fallen they remained silent. Brief sparks flew from me but not the fireworks that had been before. Then just as something begin to stir inside of me I was flung down from my height and heart was slashed but left to keep beating. Back at the land of someday. Let me tell you something about 'someday' - it never comes. Whatever you do, however hard you long, no matter how you try someday remains on the horizon. My life is a black whole which I can not ever again escape from. It is who I am. It is the final end. It is all.

The sport of men

Everything had changed. Just a year ago everything was calm and as it should be. Bad was when the girl you liked didn't like you back or your parents were divorcing, but all of that seemed meaningless now.

The year was 2013 and fog had covered England for over a year. The country which had once been a refuge and freedom had been left for the dogs and they were feasting on us ravenously. Only America dared to try to through off those haunting hounds, but it was worried of joining us and being no more than rotting corpses. The world had been focused on us, our nation the United Kingdom. Small yet there we stood, grand and proud as hosts of the 2012 Olympic games. It was the day all had been waiting for, we had no idea how much we'd come to wish that the day had never come.

I can still remember that day as though it were a repeated dream. I don't think that any man in the stadium that day could ever forget it. The first day of the Olympic games had arrived after years of preparation. There was a humming of all those present as the big screens lit up. The games had begun. First up the men's 100 metres. We erupted as the athletes stepped out onto the track. Countries united by the resents of 8 men in shorts. As the men took to there lanes the camera man down beside them focused on each athlete in turn so their faces appeared the size of elephants on screens around the stadium. When he did the athlete would raise his musselly arm and wave at the crowd as though clarifying who he was. His home nation would stand and cheer encouraging their hope for victory. Until the camera fell onto the fourth lane. There he stood, a champion, though the race hadn't started. The stars muscles bulged, the tools of his trade. Everybodies hero - Hussain Bolt. We all knew his story. Ex cricket player who had taken up running as his coach had suggested. At his first Olympic appearance 4 years previously he had stormed the competition in this race and broken the world work without even break a sweat. This was then repeated by him just 4 days later in the men's 200 metres. When his face appeared on the big screen the entire stadium was on its feet. No group of people ever had or ever will create such a deafening noise again. It was as though electricity was running through us, powering our feet, our hands, our mouths. Confidence from this worldwide welcome showed in his face as the camera drifted onto the next 4 competitors. The athletes took their positions. Silence echoed around us. A had was raised, a gun fired. They took off like bullets, but my eyes were only on one man. He moved with the elegance of a ballerina yet the power of a lion. Behind me someone sniffed at his beauty. Bolt - his name stood true, easily three steps ahead of the competition.

Suddenly, an ear splitting sound deafened the audience and we all ducked our head as though expecting it to save us from the source of the noise. When I lifted my head a second later I saw the men on the track had stood still at its sound. They were looking around them, hoping for some explanation. None came. Men who seconds before had stood as heroes were now level with us, meir men. Everyone was looking around us not knowing entirely what had happened or what to do, but I think that part of us knew, to some extent,  the source of the noise for we remained silent. After a few minuets the big screens around the stadium lit up again, though this time they brought no joy, no view of sports stars, but one of parliament - or what was left of it. Where the houses of Parliament had once stood was now a mass of rubble on the ground. Amongst the crumbled old brick a few motionless bodies could be spotted covered in blood. No presenter was on the screen, I wouldn't have heard there words if there was. The presenters were all here as were the best of our defences. People around were screaming and tears were upon nearly every face. Beside me my mother was as pale as the corpses still on the screens. Many people were scrambling over the seats and down the stairs to leave the grounds, others, like me  and my mother, we glued to our seats. Those trying to escape soon gave up when the realised that after the police, security members and what i assume were members BI (British Intelligence) agents had left  the grounds all exists had been shut off. We thought to keep us safe - how wrong we were.



People screamed, hid behind chairs in front or tried again to escape the stands, but now men identical to those on the grass below stood guarding all stair ways. I wished I could scream, but when I opened my  mouth I found that my thought was dry and unable to form words. Blindly my left hand had wondered, searching for the hand of my mothers. When I found it she caught my gaze and, knowing we could die there, I stared back for a moment hoping my look told her that loved her when my words failed me. Something hard beat into my back breaking our gaze. I turned, a man with a white turban was barging his way through the crowd. As my eyes followed him I found this was true throughout the stadium. Tin soldiers were there, searching.

What seemed like years passed as we all sat there trembling. Until a gunshot was fired. The man at the centre of the ring had raised a hand into the air and fired a shot with the pistol which had previously been at his waist. A call for silence. It came instantly. The men who had been walking through the audience now joined there conrads hundreds of metres below, but they were not alone. Each was holding his gun to the back of someone in front of him. A voice rose "We are the Taliban" the man at the centre of the circle had began to speak. "We are here to carry out the the work of Allah. These people have sinned! they control and manipulate you and try to force you to follow their wrongs. By doing so they are spitting at Allah, they are cursing his name and for this they must be punished! They are killing the kingdom of Allah and so for justice we must kill them!" My sight was blinded by tears now but I was grateful to no longer be able to see for a few seconds later he resisted the names of those who would soon be rotting at his feet - this way I could pretend it was just a nightmare. At only the second name realisation struck the crowd. Politicians, royalty anyone with a position of power from any country was standing bellow. There were people from Kenya, Australia, Japan, China, America but mainly they were from the land where we stood the United Kingdom. After each name was called a series of gun shots were fired, followed by a gasp and cry from onlookers.

After what must have been at least half an hour the names stopped being called. Now I lifted my head from my hands and saw pools of red surrounding those laying on the grass, dead. "You are all cowards." The voice spoke again. "How dare you not watch as justice is served! Allah shall not allow it!" At this he held out his right hand and one of the Taliban members from the surrounding circle handed him his gun. He clasped it loosely in his right hand, pointed randomly at an area of the crowd and held down the trigger. With every breath I take I can hear the firing of that gun and the screams which followed. The direction where the gun was being fired was a motion of scurrying ants and blood.

I awoke from my fixation on these poor victims now, they had been dead since that murdering terrorist had held the gun. But I wasn't. Everyone around me was moving frantically towards the exit. A signal bellow had been given, open fire. The other men standing near him joined his course by firing at us, all of us. Slaughter. All order was lost. Rows of people were falling like rag dolls all around me.I'd been a  atheist all my life but in that moment I longed for a God, some greater power to keep me alive. Something hit my feet, unfortunately my head was facing downwards to avoid seeing other tragedies. Familiar eyes were looking up at me but their reflections were fading as I stared into them. My mothers lips trembled for a second before falling limp and her face hell onto its side. We'd never been close, but in that single moment I longed for a life where we had been. Trembling, my legs began to kneel beside her until the chair behind me shattered into millions of peaces into my side. No time to shed a tear, it wasn't over for me yet. Weaving in and out of people I payed no attention to anything but my escape. The real world didn't exist, yet this was the real world, but how could it be? Something flew past my side as I scrambled over the back of a chair, but I had to ignore it. Onwards. One final push and the stairway was in front of me. Life was before me. Searing pain hit my leg, the force of which made me fall down those stairs. My body smashed into the concrete flooring. Nobody paid attention to my smashed body, but I'd be a hypocrite if I claimed that I would have done. Feet stomped around making it impossible for me to stand. Pain shot through my skull and black absorbed me.

I awoke. Around me was a deserted concrete cage. Blood was stuck to the walls, floor, everywhere as though it was a means of decoration. What had happened here? The answer struck me immediately. Guilt shot through my entire body at the thought that for a second I had forgotten. Blinking, I hoped I'd fallen into some alternative reality. I blinked, but when i re-opened my eyes all was the same.

A liquid took hold of my hands as I tried to stand up. Apparently the devils from the night before hadn't bothered to clean up. I continued my attempt at standing. Upon reaching my feet my left leg gave way so I flailed my arms around for the wall in order to prevent myself from returning to that lower level hell. My eyes searched my leg for the source of my stumble. Half way down my leg there was a tear in my jeans which a trickle of blood still flowed from. I'd been shot! There was a hole in me and I was sure that if I it wasn't for the blood I could have seen through from one side of my leg to the other. Having a weak stomach, which I had always despised, I clenched my fist against the cold wall so as not to vomit. For a second I paused, listening for any sound which might suggest that I was not alone. When none such sound came I began hobbling in the direction which the remaining half of the exit sign suggested.

Sunlight met my face at long last, but no hope did it give me. I had entered a grave yard surrounded by a land of ghosts. It was as though in those few hours of my unconscious state hell had grown and spread across the Olympic town. Just a day before a land of dreams, today a land of no man. The pathway in front of me was a path of bodies, men, woman, athletes, children. Again my stomach tightened, except this time I was unable to control it so my disgust erupted onto the stained pavement at my feet.

After recovering I journeyed on, though my leg protested with every step.Squinted eyes had guided my way as I preyed that no recognisable face would reach my gaze but I did not dare to check the lifeless figures in case. Silence echoed around me.

Signs from the rampage continued into the high street. Remains from cares stood abandoned in the middle of the road under circling gulls. Many buildings hissed at me as I limped past, its faint puffs of smoke trying to grabbed me and pull me into its ambers which looked like devils eyes. Hooded figures appeared occasionally appeared through smashed glass with expensive equipment in hand, but the hardly gave me a second glance. They new, the world new, I was broken. So there I stood a broken man on the first day of London's two year shadow.

Thursday 23 February 2012

Is this love?

She was sitting there, my beautiful girl except she wasn't mine. The girl i would happily die for, yet there she sat with someone else. My heart pounded in angest. Though there was only a two metre gap between us it felt like i was here in cold, wet England she was off in sunny Australia.
I'd always loved her and i knew i always would. That first time she had been seen with these now teary eyes i knew there was something special about her. For the rest of that party i kept glancing at her, admiring her grace, her beauty, her smile. Eventually i'd gathered the courage to talk to what was soon to become the centre of my life. Each step towards her felt like a step towards destiny. One more deep breath, this was it. Suddenly i wasnt nervous. Gleaming saphire eyes were looking into my dull brown ones. With that i started talking. I confess i think if it wasn't for the approval of her sole a jumbled mess of sounds may have errupted from my mouth instead. To my amazment we talked continuously for the rest of that night. Her name was Rose and she had recently moved into a house near by with her friend sarah. I can still remember the chearing and the words "yes single" going off in my mind that
night. I also found out about her family, her job and her puppy Buttons. With every word i became more infatuated with her. By the end of the night I wanted nothing more for her hand to be in mine and for us to live a long happy life together.

That was over a year ago now. Since that night we had become best friends which although wasn't my original intension was nice just the same. There was a time when they'd rarely be a day when we'd be abscent from each others company. We were fighting the world and doing it together. When those rare days arrived when we were abscent form each others company we'd be messaging through it continuously because of how much we missed each other. What always kept me going was that I knew I'd see her soon and feel her warmth with those greeting hugs that we had become acustome to. Sometimes it took a battle to reach her, but I'd do anthing for her so I'd keep fighting. One summers day when I had flu I was so insitant that I must see her that I packed a back pack full of films and entertainment and walked a mile through the rain to get to her. It was worth it, despite the fact she was repeatedly comlaining at how i'd still come. She didn't know that the journey there was what it took for me to start feeling better.  

So there I sat. Lightening was stricking through me. Inside my head all words were lost, all reason was lost their was nothing left except him and her and my vanishing heart. Their presents was sufficating, my throught was dry, my breaths drew long. Then I stood up. It drove me that they didn't even notice my movement. My hand reached out, I hardly even noticed. Suddenly in my hand was a TV remote, i flipped it gently from one side to the other and then my arm was raised. One flick of the rist was all it took for my world to change. It smacked her in the side of her soft face. She squeeled with pain. The force was so immense I could feel it from where I stood, but I didn't care. My heart was now empty, yet somehow one glance from those stunning, tearful eyes still burned me. Blood poured down her left cheeck below her pink tense hand. Down the side of my face tears began to flow but I kept focused on her for a few more seconds, watching the distruction I had caused. Something beat into my chest. The boys fists kept gliding through the air and smashing into me - any part of me it could touch. Eventually I realised that I was fighting back. Force from somewhere I didn't no existed were tearing at his innocent flesh. My back screamed in pain as I was thrown into a wooden table, but I dragged him down with me. Rolling so he was the one pinned against the table I placed my left hand near his throught and raised my right arm. "Stop" a muffled voice cried. I paused just in time. We both turned our heads to face her. Then that was it, the end.

But there is ust one question, is this love?
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Tuesday 7 February 2012

Love birds

Together we fly,Together we saw,
My feathered girl and I
across the moor.
For in no bird
have I seen such beauty,
as my beautiful Zambooti.

She follows me,
as I do her.
I protect my love,
from troubles which occur.
And here she stands
beneath my wing,
and together we do sing,

until one day,
her heart did fail,
and the life in her,
away, set sail,
then I could feel
my heart in my head,
and there we lay together, in love and dead.

Monday 6 February 2012

The start of darkness Part 2

The days went by as usual and before long all had the appearance of being forgotten. Everything was the same as it had been before my traumatic realisation and I had no desire to confront it. My life remained a grey abis as it had for months. Only one thing had changed since the December night I had uncovered miserable truth; when I looked at my parents now their was a shadow in my eyes which had not been their previously. nobody could see it, it was hardly noticeable but it was there and it was growing. Daily it haunted my thoughts whenever my parents were around, though as of yet this was the only power it held over me for I would not succumb to let the shadow manipulate my actions.

It was four months after the night of my parents unveiling when at last I was confronted. Claiming that this was due to cowardice is truth, but I feel I can not claim their to be a wrongness in this as I myself neither confronted them or told my sister what I knew. Like I imagine my parents were doing I was doing in miniature. We all spent months placing excuses in front of the trouble in front of us 'its to close to christmas' 'I don't want to ruin Molly's birthday' 'I have to much work to do' just a few of the things I told myself.

Eventually however the day came, on the day of my Aunts birthday party. We were due to leave for the party in an hour so I was tidying my room before getting ready to leave. A found a footsteps coming up the stairs reached my ears, but I continued - perfectly calm. The white door behind me swung open bringing with it a slight breeze into my room. My mother entered and I turned to face her. In her hand was a pile of washing which she graciously placed on the cream sofa beside her. It was the silents and grace of this action that made me awear that something wasn't. Her skin was slightly paler then it's usual peach colour and her eyes gave my a pitying look though in didn't even register this until later replaying of the memory. She absent mindedly walked over to my bed and sat down, all the while her eyes remained on me as though I held some great answer to an unasked question. She looked down at her she for a moment, as though now longing my absents then raised her head with such effort it was as though gravity was more active on it then it was or anything else. She caught my blue eyes and said "will you sit down?" I knew even surer now that this was not good."I'd rather stand" I replied.

When I was upset or nervous I always preferred to stand so I could sway gently releasing some of my emotions through my movement. It was calming to do so, enabled me to level my head. I could look slightly above or below the eyes of someone talking to me as they'd be a different height. When I did so I could focus on what they were saying but not feel the pain the words bore because I didn't have to see the sorrow in someones eyes. My hands could be in my pockets, clenching whatever was within them in my fists. I never felt comfortable unless I wasn't holding something. But most of all I could leave. As soon as the conversation ended I was able to escape able to run, to be free.

This time, however, I could not stand. My mother insisted on my sitting beside her. Then she muttered the words "I need to tell you something, your father and I..." It was as though I was 10 again and she was telling me that Santa Claus was not real. As soon as she'd opened her mouth to explain what she needed to tell me I knew the answer and interrupted her. "You're getting a divorce" I finished her sentence for her. She was slightly stunned by my response. It was not until a few seconds later, though not nearly long enough, that she responded "Yes. How did you know?" Without thinking about it I gave my answer "it was obvious". I regretted it the moment I'd said it, now I'd have to explain to her what I'd seen. But how could I? Right on cue she asked the dreaded question "How was it?" At first I gave a brief answer "It just was" but feeling I needed to add to this I explained to her that I'd seen dads shoes by the spear bed which was now out every night, how I'd seen dads dates written on the calender, I'd noticed how they didn't act how they used to - it wasn't until the end of the long list that I briefly mentioned having seen the website on the computer and made it sound rather irrelevant. "ok" was my mothers only response. I wished she'd go, get up and leave, I didn't want to be around here anymore, but she stayed. She spent the next 15 minutes asking how I felt, explaining how my dad had a girlfriend and was going to move, but try to live close, how she was going to buy his half of the house off of him, how me and my sister were going to stay here. I didn't care about any of it except that it was evident we were getting the choice of who we'd live with - it was going to be her. How was it that the one thing, the only thing I had been sure of wasn't going to happen. Why had I been so wrong? Hoping it would end the conversation soon I asked "Does Molly know?" My sister was what mattered now, for I had known most of what I had just heard for months where as she did not. 12 years old, coming up to the most challenging time in her life, and her life was about to change without warning. "No, but I'm going to tell her now." Relief flooded over me at the sight of an end to this torturous discussion. 'Good luck Molly' I thought to myself. It was then that I decided that getting closer to my sister was a necessity - after all it was just us now. "your dad will talk to you about this when you get back from your aunts tomorrow" my mother said before rising from where she was seated and leaving my room without looking back at me.

As the door swung shut behind her it all become real to me. This was really happening. My parents were splitting up. A wave of sadness and anger came over me and I fell to my knees. I didn't know how to act or what to do. So I just stayed there for a moment, unable to cry but unable to be happy. Reality was now staring me in the face and my darkened shadow was staring back.

On the way to the party all I could think about was the feeling inside my chest, the feeling the a darkness was their. Every time I saw my mother it roared like a dragon inside of me, but even when i was watching the pacing countryside it was growling. Changes around the darkness were gradually breaking and it was becoming free. It was telling me to ignite and rebel. As Khaled Hosseini once wrote "There is only one sin. And that is theft. Every other sin is a variation of theft." The words replayed in my head. She had stolen what was left of my happiness and for that I was not sure if she could ever be forgiven. I knew my parents had made the right decision, they weren't meant to be together - yet the darkness was thinking for me now and I would not contain it. A glint of red sparked in my eye as we continued towards the party.

To be continued...

Sunday 5 February 2012

The start of darkness Part 1

You could say that nothing bad has ever happened in my life, and I guess that in a way you'd be right. I've never been attacked, been seriously ill or even been close to anyone who has died. You could say that nothing bad has ever happened in my life, but I think you'd be wrong.

My life had been cloudy for five long months on the day I got struck with realisation. I'd never been very close to my parents, but I'd never truly hated them before that day either.

As usual on a weekday evening I was home alone. As I've already stated, I've never been very close to my parents. My dad was on his way home from work... for a change. Thought the thought of my dad arriving home at 5:30 as apposed to after a few drinks in no way lightened my mood like it should, but it was no doubt a good thing all the same. My younger sister, Molly, could be at dancing, with a friend or near on anywhere really. I was never really sure where she was. I didn't have much of an idea where my mum was either; she often went out with her friend Hannah after, but for all I knew she could have been dead - I don't even think my life would have changed that much if she had been. Not knowing where those I lived with were had seemed normal to me for 2 years at this point. Some weekend mornings I could wake up not knowing who was at home, let alone where anyone was. So all in all it was normal school night for me. As was routine having been home for bout an hour I ambled downstairs and onto the family computer.

Time ticked way with my bordem as I waited impatiently for the computer to load. When eventually the Internet had loaded i clicked onto favourites in order to find facebook, my favourite social site, on top of the list. It wasn't. In its place was a website called 'okcupid.com'. This confused me greatly. Why would anyone from my household use this? There must have been a mistake. Being as naive as I was I clicked on it. To this day I still wish I hadn't, wish I had broken the illusion of my life. But I did.

Seconds when past like hours as I waited for the page to appear before me. After what could have only been a couple of minuets the page had loaded. To my absolute horror I saw my fathers face looking back at me. This couldn't be happening, not really, could it? With disbelieving eyes I stared at the page, all the while knowing that this was reality, that it was there. What had I done to deserve this? I unfroze. The words before me now began to register within my brain. On the top right of the page there was a facts section. One of them jumped out at me as soon as I'd seen the words. The first read " Join date: August 1". This meant that my parents had been separated for at least four and a half months, without dropping a word. I didn't know what I was feeling, what should I be feeling? What would anyone else be feeling? My eyes then fell upon the line beneath this which said "looking for: New friends, short-term dating, long-term dating". This was a nightmare, it had to be, my parents were not my favourite people in the world but they were not arrogant enough to keep this from us. They would have said something by now, wouldn't they? I could feel a darkness growing inside of me, but I didn't try to suppress it. Let the darkness rise and become my controller, I had nothing to lose.

With a tremendous effort i kept reading the page. It was as though this web page was a drug. As soon as I saw it I was drawn to it and now I had seen its secrets I couldn't let go of it. I must keep reading, for otherwise there was nothingness and I would be lost. I read the self summary next. Mostly, this was just waffle about my dads hobbies and interests, nothing of much significance t all. Until I reached the last line. "I have said that I am single, which is how I now regard myself to be, but the reality is I am still married. The divorce will happen when I get the motivation to do so. I have two children Sophie and Molly aged 14 and 11. I love them and they will always be a part of my life." This time, I couldn't read on. It was lies, all lies. It was as though I was being enlightened, but by the devil. Everything now made sense, my fathers absences, the lack of family holidays, the spear bed always being out. Bleeding upon the floor beside me was the part of my heart which had once belonged to my family. "buboom... buboom" slower and slower it beat "buboom... buboom" a train coming to a holt "buboom... buboom" until "buboom" it stopped forever and was gone.

Tears began trickling down the side of my face at the loss, blurring my vision. This was one of those moments that we all experience in our lives where we know that this is the end of all that is known and nothing can be the same again. So i printed out the page as a symbol of that moment, of that day, of that change. Without it, I think I would have imagined it all a dream.



Later that night, when was in bed, I let the tears fall. The devils words were on repeat within my head and with each replaying my darkness grew closer to the surface. After many hours I fell into a light sleep, but it followed me. Flashes of that night are all I can remember. A full moon, tangled trees, an empty room, cloaked figures, howling winds. Puzzles peaces which to this day I can not fit together.

For a moment the next morning I'd forgotten about the last 24hours, but only for a moment. Before long my memory leaked through into my dazed reality. My hand reached under my pillow for the print out, to my dismay my finger tips touched quicker then I had hoped for. Inside I was burning, but there was no way to put out the fire - I could only lower its glare. Questions were rolling around in my head as the I was a journalist. Why didn't they tell me? Why had I had to find out for myself? Why had I been so nosey? What was I going to do now? but most importantly 'who was I going to live with?' The answer came to me almost as fast as the question had, neither. I didn't want to live with either of them. Lieing to me about something that would change my whole life, does that sound like what family would do to you? It sounded like my dad was going to be the one leaving us as though we were but a childish dream, but we'd get a choice who we lived with. I was sure of that and that alone.

Making myself more upset by doing so, I began thinking about what it would be like living with mum. Several reasons not to stay with her instantly sprung to mind. She was always with her best friend Hannah and her 2 year old daughter Lily-mae. They were never in! This would mean me trying to cook on a regular basis. Then their is the fact that I've always gotten the feeling that my mother preferred my sister to myself. At this time especially they were so much more alike then me and my mother had ever and possibly will ever be. To start with they are both very musical people playing around 3 instruments each, where as I had always been more of a lyricist. They both enjoying ballet and tap and generally as well as shopping and wearing dresses - I was about as far from this as any civilised human being could be. So generally they had similar personalities and interests and I was just left there on the outside in my own world separate from the four of then. But above all else I think the reason I didn't want to live with her was how much we clashed . We'd have arguments of the tiniest little things just because of seeing the world differently and there was nothing I wanted more than to escape the standards and dreary world she forced me to live through. I can't remember a time when things were right between us, it was just a role of disappoints which lead to separation and then later to arguments. This I needed to escape.

Then there was my father, the man whom I had always relied on, the man who raised me, played with me as a child, the man who broke my heart. One weeknights his presence was even rarer than mums, though on weekends he was home he'd try to make it up by spending time with me - but now I knew this was out of guilt and that alone. Plus there was the idea of moving, it might be nice to get away but I grew up here, my friends were here, I had memories here and that's one change I don't think I could have coped with. You may be surprised by the fact that I didn't include the prospects of him having a new girlfriend, but to be honest when I was a child I would look at my parents and I could never understand why they were together. Its tragic I know, but its true. Besides, who am I to tell him not to pursue his happiness when their is a darkness inside of me, when I had been living looking for that ray of sunshine to break through the grey. No his future was his choice. So really I'd rather live with my father but I wouldn't want to burden him with my being there.

A week past and my friends were convinced that I should tell my parents that I knew of their secret but what did they know. One friend was so worried she threatened to tell them herself unless I did so. When a week later she did not bring the topic up I thought she'd forgotten or assumed no matter what telling them was something I wouldn't do. I say 'I thought' as the next day she unveiled herself. She believed that I'd made the whole thing up for attention and even stated that "[she] refused to give me any more sympathy". Unfortunately many of my friends agreed with her saying I was "fabricating it all". Anger bubbled inside of me at the arrival of this news. How dare they think I'd do that. How dare they think I would fake such a serious matter, or that anybody would. This thought process was clearly evident within my response for she was taking aback at my reply. It didn't even faze me - I wanted to raise my fist a force it into the side of her skull, but I didn't. One look into those deep green eyes which I new so well calmed me instantly. It was as though they had a power over me that I couldn't explain and changing my mood was only one of their abilities. So I took a breath and journeyed onwards in the unknown...


To be continued...