I forgot.
How could I forget?
No hour, nor minuet, nor second
should be absent from you.
Wavering thoughts,
I order their banishment!
For without your presents,
all are deadly.
The ship has sunk,
my absents.
The plain has crashed,
all lives lost.
I must remember...
help me remember,
keep me remembering!
So she stands protected
Tuesday 24 January 2012
Friday 20 January 2012
My Angel
There she stands, the angel,
on level ground, yet looking down on the rest,
gliding, she moves all she does touch,
But I shall not fall prey to such witchcraft!
these lips shall not pleasure her
as those smiling lips of all whom engulf her.
kneeling are all those whom ever beheld the angel,
weak victims of mere elegance are but men,
I am above such fools as this,
those whom hold their heart in open hand,
Beauty she sees in their shadowed eyes,
but no such beauty will she see in me!
My angel is lost. And i am without.
Perfection is hers, yet it is brought by the devil!
Oh what wo is this, when she can not be had?
No stains may i leave on her white dress,
as she is a prize no man can gain...
and yet she is a prize worthy or mine time.
My angel shall havet' see reason,
Or else doomed shall she be to point she came;
Strangled and banished this refusal of me be!
It will not be endured from mine grandeur.
Round her throat shall none elegant hands be clasped
until my angels choir is stopped forever.
Alas, gone is the torture on me, and now:
My angel is my own.
Wednesday 18 January 2012
troubled minds
Horrified ears,
Lead troubled minds,
Break tortured hearts,
Blacken innocent soles,
Tempt poisonous lips,
Control angered hands,
Damage everything ahead,
So why do we let it in?
Instead, hear good with your horrified ears,
Enlighten your troubled mind,
Calm your tortured heart,
Purify your blackened sole,
Close your poisonous lips,
Open up your angered hands, and say I love you.
Lead troubled minds,
Break tortured hearts,
Blacken innocent soles,
Tempt poisonous lips,
Control angered hands,
Damage everything ahead,
So why do we let it in?
Instead, hear good with your horrified ears,
Enlighten your troubled mind,
Calm your tortured heart,
Purify your blackened sole,
Close your poisonous lips,
Open up your angered hands, and say I love you.
Tuesday 17 January 2012
up
That moment when you're feeling down,
Get up and take your head off the ground,
You think they don't matter, But you know they do,
So why let people do this to you,
It's not all as your mind is saying,
It's just an imprint, something portraying,
You know things can change, And the day is nearly done,
So get up from that floor, and then you've won
Get up and take your head off the ground,
You think they don't matter, But you know they do,
So why let people do this to you,
It's not all as your mind is saying,
It's just an imprint, something portraying,
You know things can change, And the day is nearly done,
So get up from that floor, and then you've won
the end?
I was up their, standing on the edge of that bridge, at last I had control. When people talk about suicide they say two things: 1st it's selfish because someone has to find you and second: think of what you'll be leaving behind. Nobody was going to find me in the depths of the great river bellow my feet, nobody would even know or look. I wasn't leaving anything behind, I had nothing to leave. I wasn't going to wait for death to find me, so I found death. The water lulled many metres below me as though it was awaiting my entrance. I took one last look around the city - I remembered how once I had seen its beauty, how each house light had been hope, how it had awed me. Now though, I saw only how man was the devil of this world; it's destroyer. At that I tear meandered down my left check from my dark brown eyes and I moved my feet. But then, I blinked...
My mind flashed through memories as though time was frozen and my memories were now all that existed. I was 2 again. My mum, having just put the baby down for a nap, was sitting down at a table in the sunshine promising me she'd play with me after her work. I'd been so excited that day that I'd actually get to spend time with her that I ran up the stairs and got my set of picture playing cards immediately. Smiling continuously I spent what felt like forever, but was probably only an hour, laying the cards out neatly and precisely ready for the game. Every few minuets I'd have a practise go before hurriedly setting them all up again. I didn't dare to even leave the table side where I set it up for fear that my mother would forget her promise to me or else the cards would get muddled up and perfection would be ruined. Eventually my mother sat in the chair next to me and quickly I explained the game to her then took first move. Suddenly the smile on my face vanished. I'd just heard a sound, that torturing sound that meant it was all over - that I was invisible now. My baby sister was crying. Immediately mum stood up and went to her aid without a word and that was it, our time together was over. Then the memory disappeared and another took its place.
Now I was 10. The wind was catching under my floppy brown hair and making it drift in front of my face, but I saw no reason to move it. I simply stood, in my new black suit, with my head bowed at the ground. People were continuously patting me on the back and shacking my hand and though I nodded politely at this - it meant nothing to me. No words nor actions could comfort me. Truly all I wanted was to be alone, away from it all but i new I couldn't be. So I remained in my spot, watching my fathers coffin being lowered into the ground. I can't tell you how long I stayed their - just thinking about the man I had admired. But he was gone now. Before long the earth was piled on top of him and I knew it for sure. My eyes were uncontrollable rivers the entire time, I had no desire to even try to hold it together, that was worthless. Then I placed a ring of yellow daisy's upon his grave - they'd always been our special thing you see, whenever he told me a story a field of exactly 1,000 yellow daisy's had to be included. I bowed low, for no better idea of what to do, took one final glance of the place where my father lay, turned my back and left. I think this was the point that I really turned my back on the world.
Again the scene changed. I was 11 again and I was sat in a corner completely alone. My headphones were in my ears and a book rested on my knees which up close to my face so that I appeared small, so I could hide. Friends, I had them, but this day had been my worst nightmare. My friends had decided that recently with my antics such as - temporarily stealing their things, saying things without thinking and generally being annoying (I'll admit that I was) - that for one day they were going to completely ignore me. The worst part was that my best friend had come up with this idea. I thought that this day would result in being the first in many, how things could only deteriorate further. When your best friends turn against you, there's clearly something wrong with you as a person. After a while I'd sat up tapping the book against the floor, trying to convince myself that the day wasn't real - i even slapped the book against my face at one point. But nothing happened. I was absorbed in my own misery, alone completely alone. My worst fear realised in a day. The memory lingered on the image of my tucked up form for a moment and then it vanished.
I thought that the next scene would be one of love, but though I'd had relationships in the past none had lasted more than six weeks and so weren't serious. The only person I ever thought I could have loved was above me by far. At this the image of her face burst into my mind and another memory appeared before me.
Me and her. It was from just 6 months before, just after I'd turned 16. I'd been having a rough day and with us being the close friends that we are, she came to see me, make sure that I was surviving. Her name was Emma. When she got there she gave me a hug as though she thought without it I would fall to peaces in front of her. I didn't want to let go - not ever. I remember thinking that if i spent the rest of my life there in her arms with her soft check gently touching mine then my life couldn't get better. We spent the day just talking about things that mattered to us, cuddling and holding hands, with the sun from the window shinning across our faces. I've always preferred things to be simple, but that day was more than that it was perfect.
Again the image changed. Suddenly all around me was dark except a small beam of light which was focused on me. A sound suddenly erupted from behind me. My band was exploding with excitement and passion - our first gig. The guitar in my hand felt like it was more sword - my right to power, respect and freedom. The crowd was on their feet punching the air with their fits but with a adrenaline running through me i only half noticed anyway. It felt as like lightening had struck me and I'd come alive. My hand plunged down at guitar strings at such speed I was amazed that they didn't all disintegrate. I felt like a hero, we all did - 14 years of age and we were stood here like legends. We were ablaze with life. After half an hour of our indescribable set, it was over. We waved our hands to the crowd and took a step back.
I realised now and only now that dieing wasn't wanted, because I had something to live for. I could create those feelings of again of love and excitement - no matter what the pain was those feeling would eliminate it. I wanted to live.
I opened my eyes to find I was falling. In the time it took me to blinked so much had changed but now I couldn't stop my fate. I kept falling. I had realised to late that death would not bring me what I wanted, it was a easy way out but it could bring no better than what life could. The water was only a few metres away. Then I hit it.
Instantly a wave of cold shocked through me, almost paralysing me. I flailed around in the water, but the strong currents just kept pushing me deeper. I was twisting so much that I no longer new where the surface was, where air was. My lungs were burning like acid as water filled them. I wished I could scream, wished someone would save me - but they couldn't. I needed oxygen but I could no longer move to get it. And then, it all went black.
I was laying back in a soft sofa opposite a glowing fire. A tree stood tall and proud in the corner with an angel looking down from on high. I turned to my left and saw my arm was wrapped around a woman, a woman that I knew. Her soulful brown eyes shone up at me joyfully. It wasn't long before I realised that this wasn't a memory, but a dream. In front of me, with a present in hand, sat a young child - my son. He shone and was like the life in me as he tore the green and red paper off of the parcel in hand. The light from the fire, the room and my family began to fade and i knew that this was what i had lost, what i had chosen to give up, what i had lost faith in. Then everything was dead.
The next morning the sun rose splitting the sky into reds, pinks and purples. In its gaze was an old city bridge which stood alone. Today the hope that shone down upon it was not reflected so radiantly as it had been the day before. Today the light new that one less would see it, one less would experience it and one more would miss it. Today was the same and yet nothing was.
My mind flashed through memories as though time was frozen and my memories were now all that existed. I was 2 again. My mum, having just put the baby down for a nap, was sitting down at a table in the sunshine promising me she'd play with me after her work. I'd been so excited that day that I'd actually get to spend time with her that I ran up the stairs and got my set of picture playing cards immediately. Smiling continuously I spent what felt like forever, but was probably only an hour, laying the cards out neatly and precisely ready for the game. Every few minuets I'd have a practise go before hurriedly setting them all up again. I didn't dare to even leave the table side where I set it up for fear that my mother would forget her promise to me or else the cards would get muddled up and perfection would be ruined. Eventually my mother sat in the chair next to me and quickly I explained the game to her then took first move. Suddenly the smile on my face vanished. I'd just heard a sound, that torturing sound that meant it was all over - that I was invisible now. My baby sister was crying. Immediately mum stood up and went to her aid without a word and that was it, our time together was over. Then the memory disappeared and another took its place.
Now I was 10. The wind was catching under my floppy brown hair and making it drift in front of my face, but I saw no reason to move it. I simply stood, in my new black suit, with my head bowed at the ground. People were continuously patting me on the back and shacking my hand and though I nodded politely at this - it meant nothing to me. No words nor actions could comfort me. Truly all I wanted was to be alone, away from it all but i new I couldn't be. So I remained in my spot, watching my fathers coffin being lowered into the ground. I can't tell you how long I stayed their - just thinking about the man I had admired. But he was gone now. Before long the earth was piled on top of him and I knew it for sure. My eyes were uncontrollable rivers the entire time, I had no desire to even try to hold it together, that was worthless. Then I placed a ring of yellow daisy's upon his grave - they'd always been our special thing you see, whenever he told me a story a field of exactly 1,000 yellow daisy's had to be included. I bowed low, for no better idea of what to do, took one final glance of the place where my father lay, turned my back and left. I think this was the point that I really turned my back on the world.
Again the scene changed. I was 11 again and I was sat in a corner completely alone. My headphones were in my ears and a book rested on my knees which up close to my face so that I appeared small, so I could hide. Friends, I had them, but this day had been my worst nightmare. My friends had decided that recently with my antics such as - temporarily stealing their things, saying things without thinking and generally being annoying (I'll admit that I was) - that for one day they were going to completely ignore me. The worst part was that my best friend had come up with this idea. I thought that this day would result in being the first in many, how things could only deteriorate further. When your best friends turn against you, there's clearly something wrong with you as a person. After a while I'd sat up tapping the book against the floor, trying to convince myself that the day wasn't real - i even slapped the book against my face at one point. But nothing happened. I was absorbed in my own misery, alone completely alone. My worst fear realised in a day. The memory lingered on the image of my tucked up form for a moment and then it vanished.
I thought that the next scene would be one of love, but though I'd had relationships in the past none had lasted more than six weeks and so weren't serious. The only person I ever thought I could have loved was above me by far. At this the image of her face burst into my mind and another memory appeared before me.
Me and her. It was from just 6 months before, just after I'd turned 16. I'd been having a rough day and with us being the close friends that we are, she came to see me, make sure that I was surviving. Her name was Emma. When she got there she gave me a hug as though she thought without it I would fall to peaces in front of her. I didn't want to let go - not ever. I remember thinking that if i spent the rest of my life there in her arms with her soft check gently touching mine then my life couldn't get better. We spent the day just talking about things that mattered to us, cuddling and holding hands, with the sun from the window shinning across our faces. I've always preferred things to be simple, but that day was more than that it was perfect.
Again the image changed. Suddenly all around me was dark except a small beam of light which was focused on me. A sound suddenly erupted from behind me. My band was exploding with excitement and passion - our first gig. The guitar in my hand felt like it was more sword - my right to power, respect and freedom. The crowd was on their feet punching the air with their fits but with a adrenaline running through me i only half noticed anyway. It felt as like lightening had struck me and I'd come alive. My hand plunged down at guitar strings at such speed I was amazed that they didn't all disintegrate. I felt like a hero, we all did - 14 years of age and we were stood here like legends. We were ablaze with life. After half an hour of our indescribable set, it was over. We waved our hands to the crowd and took a step back.
I realised now and only now that dieing wasn't wanted, because I had something to live for. I could create those feelings of again of love and excitement - no matter what the pain was those feeling would eliminate it. I wanted to live.
I opened my eyes to find I was falling. In the time it took me to blinked so much had changed but now I couldn't stop my fate. I kept falling. I had realised to late that death would not bring me what I wanted, it was a easy way out but it could bring no better than what life could. The water was only a few metres away. Then I hit it.
Instantly a wave of cold shocked through me, almost paralysing me. I flailed around in the water, but the strong currents just kept pushing me deeper. I was twisting so much that I no longer new where the surface was, where air was. My lungs were burning like acid as water filled them. I wished I could scream, wished someone would save me - but they couldn't. I needed oxygen but I could no longer move to get it. And then, it all went black.
I was laying back in a soft sofa opposite a glowing fire. A tree stood tall and proud in the corner with an angel looking down from on high. I turned to my left and saw my arm was wrapped around a woman, a woman that I knew. Her soulful brown eyes shone up at me joyfully. It wasn't long before I realised that this wasn't a memory, but a dream. In front of me, with a present in hand, sat a young child - my son. He shone and was like the life in me as he tore the green and red paper off of the parcel in hand. The light from the fire, the room and my family began to fade and i knew that this was what i had lost, what i had chosen to give up, what i had lost faith in. Then everything was dead.
The next morning the sun rose splitting the sky into reds, pinks and purples. In its gaze was an old city bridge which stood alone. Today the hope that shone down upon it was not reflected so radiantly as it had been the day before. Today the light new that one less would see it, one less would experience it and one more would miss it. Today was the same and yet nothing was.
Friday 6 January 2012
You do not see it
Your beautiful to me, though you do not see it,
You warm me up inside, though you do not see it,
Your voice keeps me calm, though you do not see it,
I know you're for me, but you do not see it,
Your lovely to me, though you do not get that,
You make me strong, though you do not get that,
Your arms keep me safe, though you do not get that,
I know you're for me, but you do not get that,
Your perfect for me, though you'll never be mine,
You make me dream, though you'll never be mine,
Your laugh makes me smile, though you'll never be mine,
I know you're for me, but you'll never be mine,
You warm me up inside, though you do not see it,
Your voice keeps me calm, though you do not see it,
I know you're for me, but you do not see it,
Your lovely to me, though you do not get that,
You make me strong, though you do not get that,
Your arms keep me safe, though you do not get that,
I know you're for me, but you do not get that,
Your perfect for me, though you'll never be mine,
You make me dream, though you'll never be mine,
Your laugh makes me smile, though you'll never be mine,
I know you're for me, but you'll never be mine,
Duke Alphonse
For my A- level English literature class we had to write a response to Robert Browning's dramatic monologue 'My Last Duchess' from the perspective of the Duchess' portrait (I know it sounds mad but there we are). So here's mine:
Again, there he stands - opening the curtain,
Envoy looks concerned, but can not be certain,
How dare that man still look me in the face,
When in his eyes I have fallen from grace,
He assumes questions are being asked,
While revealing himself from his polite mask.
My eyes show not of what he claims,
In me he sees only his own gains,
These glances went in only one direction,
But he could not see this beneath his obsession,
Adultery, to him, hid with a smile,
So my beauty, to him, became only vile,
Claiming I thanked as his face goes green,
All this concluded from the little seen,
Pleasantries I had learnt from my mother,
For when I spoke to my servant, chef or another,
Nothing unfit for that Duke of mine,
But it all had to end in time,
And I was the centre of his obsession,
The diamond, the prised possession,
And now only I can see him for certain,
He is the one truly behind a curtain,
Again, there he stands - opening the curtain,
Envoy looks concerned, but can not be certain,
How dare that man still look me in the face,
When in his eyes I have fallen from grace,
He assumes questions are being asked,
While revealing himself from his polite mask.
My eyes show not of what he claims,
In me he sees only his own gains,
These glances went in only one direction,
But he could not see this beneath his obsession,
Adultery, to him, hid with a smile,
So my beauty, to him, became only vile,
Claiming I thanked as his face goes green,
All this concluded from the little seen,
Pleasantries I had learnt from my mother,
For when I spoke to my servant, chef or another,
Nothing unfit for that Duke of mine,
But it all had to end in time,
And I was the centre of his obsession,
The diamond, the prised possession,
And now only I can see him for certain,
He is the one truly behind a curtain,
sex and decisions
We shut the door behind us and at last we were alone. Scott reached out and held onto my waist with his right arm and pulled me close. His soft lips touched mine. We tried to control ourselves but after a few seconds we gave in to temptation.
Suddenly the kissing became more passionate we became one movement controlled by desire. It was as though if our lips parted for more than a couple of seconds the whole world would end. Scott's right hand now slid into the back pocket of my jeans keeping me pressed tightly against his chest, not allowing me to move away. My left arm ran gently up his back and my hand began running through his soft brown hair.
Then this was no longer enough and we could not restrain ourselves. Scott's left arm raised from his side and wondered to my chest where he pressed - moving me backwards. I was pinned to the wall, but this only made me more concupiscent than before. I no longer cared about anything but this moment.
My right hand now stroked up Scott's chest and began unbuttoning his shirt, but half way down I could stand the wait no longer and tore it open. His hands left my touch for a brief second as he let his shirt fall to the ground. When his hands returned to me at last they tore my shirt over my head as though it would explode if it remained on me. In the few moments his lips were parted from mine in his doing so I longed for there return. When the did it was worth the moments of there parting for now no force could stop them. His hands returned to me moments later and I gave in to their touch. His right hand ran slowly up my smooth side and reached my awaiting breast just as his left flicked my bra open and the curtain fell to the ground.
Now all modesty was lost, but that meant nothing. My breasts were clenched by his firm hands and I scratched his back in retaliation and this drove him onwards. In a quick motion he reached for my legs, lifting me from the ground. I placed my hands firmly against his head and wrapped my thighs tightly around his waist so we could be no closer. But I wanted to be. He must have felt it to as his lips now moved to my neck where a determind kiss let me know that there was more coming. Scott moved me towards the bed. He through me down and lay on top. My hands remained around his neck showing that I wanted to continue. So with his left hand he stroked down my stomach and pulled off my jeans.
My nails dug into his back as he parted his lips from mine and ran them down my body, slightly touching it until they reached my nickers.Now they ran the width of my body with his tongue slightly peeping through. At this I began to shake. His head lowered slightly further and he gave me a short kiss. Now I had lost almost all control over myself and I shook more vigerously.Then he pulled off his trousers and pants and returned up to my lips. As he did his left hand reached for my nickers and began to slowly move them towards my thigh.
Then I stopped him. I'm Nicky, 16 and legal. Having been together for two months and given our ages my boyfriend Scott now wanted to - and knowing he had before so didn't want to disappoint. I thought I was ready. Some of my friends had and it had been okay for them. Apparently though I just wasn't the same. It took until that point, where i was lying naked in my boyfriends bed for me to realise that this was just a step to far me. So I refused Scott's lips and gently rolled him over onto the bed beside me.
Scott was okay about it. In fact he didn't seemed to mind at all. He simply held me close and told me that it was okay that I wasn't ready yet and that it didn't matter to him when we did or if we did as long as we were together that was all that mattered to him.
I always wonder what would have happened if Scott hadn't been so understanding. Would he have broken up with me, kept pleading or forced me to do it anyway? Would I have been able to stop him? or just given in? Honestly I think that I loved him so much I probably would have just given in, I wouldn't have been happy about it and would probably have regretted it for the rest of my life. Not because he's a bad guy but because I wasn't ready and was forced into it. Luckily for me though I didn't have to make that choice. I know now that weather I'm ready tomorrow, in a few months or even in years time there's nothing wrong with that and I can say no. Whatever happens it's my choice not the guy my friends, family or anyone else's, mine.
Suddenly the kissing became more passionate we became one movement controlled by desire. It was as though if our lips parted for more than a couple of seconds the whole world would end. Scott's right hand now slid into the back pocket of my jeans keeping me pressed tightly against his chest, not allowing me to move away. My left arm ran gently up his back and my hand began running through his soft brown hair.
Then this was no longer enough and we could not restrain ourselves. Scott's left arm raised from his side and wondered to my chest where he pressed - moving me backwards. I was pinned to the wall, but this only made me more concupiscent than before. I no longer cared about anything but this moment.
My right hand now stroked up Scott's chest and began unbuttoning his shirt, but half way down I could stand the wait no longer and tore it open. His hands left my touch for a brief second as he let his shirt fall to the ground. When his hands returned to me at last they tore my shirt over my head as though it would explode if it remained on me. In the few moments his lips were parted from mine in his doing so I longed for there return. When the did it was worth the moments of there parting for now no force could stop them. His hands returned to me moments later and I gave in to their touch. His right hand ran slowly up my smooth side and reached my awaiting breast just as his left flicked my bra open and the curtain fell to the ground.
Now all modesty was lost, but that meant nothing. My breasts were clenched by his firm hands and I scratched his back in retaliation and this drove him onwards. In a quick motion he reached for my legs, lifting me from the ground. I placed my hands firmly against his head and wrapped my thighs tightly around his waist so we could be no closer. But I wanted to be. He must have felt it to as his lips now moved to my neck where a determind kiss let me know that there was more coming. Scott moved me towards the bed. He through me down and lay on top. My hands remained around his neck showing that I wanted to continue. So with his left hand he stroked down my stomach and pulled off my jeans.
My nails dug into his back as he parted his lips from mine and ran them down my body, slightly touching it until they reached my nickers.Now they ran the width of my body with his tongue slightly peeping through. At this I began to shake. His head lowered slightly further and he gave me a short kiss. Now I had lost almost all control over myself and I shook more vigerously.Then he pulled off his trousers and pants and returned up to my lips. As he did his left hand reached for my nickers and began to slowly move them towards my thigh.
Then I stopped him. I'm Nicky, 16 and legal. Having been together for two months and given our ages my boyfriend Scott now wanted to - and knowing he had before so didn't want to disappoint. I thought I was ready. Some of my friends had and it had been okay for them. Apparently though I just wasn't the same. It took until that point, where i was lying naked in my boyfriends bed for me to realise that this was just a step to far me. So I refused Scott's lips and gently rolled him over onto the bed beside me.
Scott was okay about it. In fact he didn't seemed to mind at all. He simply held me close and told me that it was okay that I wasn't ready yet and that it didn't matter to him when we did or if we did as long as we were together that was all that mattered to him.
I always wonder what would have happened if Scott hadn't been so understanding. Would he have broken up with me, kept pleading or forced me to do it anyway? Would I have been able to stop him? or just given in? Honestly I think that I loved him so much I probably would have just given in, I wouldn't have been happy about it and would probably have regretted it for the rest of my life. Not because he's a bad guy but because I wasn't ready and was forced into it. Luckily for me though I didn't have to make that choice. I know now that weather I'm ready tomorrow, in a few months or even in years time there's nothing wrong with that and I can say no. Whatever happens it's my choice not the guy my friends, family or anyone else's, mine.
Tuesday 3 January 2012
Old dreams
It was you and I, nobody else just us. To me nothing else mattered anyways. We'd slide right into it, gentle and easy. You said it yourself once - we'd make a good couple.
At first just holding hands and hugging would be the only real difference, we were so close already. Then gradually we'd become less like we were and more like people that weren't just close but needed each other. As it was already one of us would always need the other - usually I you - but that would become a two way thing. People always said we were one person, but not yet, not quite. That's what I was hoping for.
After that we'd go to uni together. I didn't and still don't want to lose you when it comes to that - it scares me the most. I thought that we could live together there and have what are meant to be the best experiences of our lives together. "We've faced everything together and got out alive", words you once wrote to me so I didn't think that would be a challenge, not for us. We'd just be facing the real world together instead of the traumatic dramas of our lives, that most don't have to face in a life time.
After this we'd get a flat together. I know you want to live in the city so I thought somewhere like home that is out of the city centre but still has all the benefits of it. Chickens of course, just for the random factor and to keep me amused. Eventually, if we got the money, we'd get an architect to build a house just for us. But that was a long shot.
Of course they'd be a wedding. I knew how I'd make the proposal and what you'd wear at the wedding and the whole service. I thought you'd want it in a church so I thought I'd go to church for a few weeks prior to the grand event. Then, on the grand day, you'd look beautiful, more beautiful then I'd ever seen you - though when I was dreaming this I wasn't sure of how this would be possible. Your white dress would make you look even more like an angel, but having had one look at it I'd only be able to focus on your eyes. Those deep eyes that would keep me calm and put a smile on my face like nothing else could. Then a plain off to the honeymoon - Australia because of how you loved it.
Kids; two; a boy and a girl, one each was my way of thinking.
As you can see I had our whole lives planned together in my head, plus so much more. Once you said to me, "we'll have to try it some time". I claimed that this was a temporary idea of yours because you wouldn't say such things usually but you but you insisted that it wasn't. Sure enough that idea crumbled and the day it did my dream collapsed. The small part of me that had been stuck in reality all those months knew that you'd find someone and why it wouldn't be me, why it couldn't be me. But I'm glad it wasn't. For if it hadn't, then on the 6th of February you wouldn't have become as happy as I've ever seen you. Congratulations to the both of you.
At first just holding hands and hugging would be the only real difference, we were so close already. Then gradually we'd become less like we were and more like people that weren't just close but needed each other. As it was already one of us would always need the other - usually I you - but that would become a two way thing. People always said we were one person, but not yet, not quite. That's what I was hoping for.
After that we'd go to uni together. I didn't and still don't want to lose you when it comes to that - it scares me the most. I thought that we could live together there and have what are meant to be the best experiences of our lives together. "We've faced everything together and got out alive", words you once wrote to me so I didn't think that would be a challenge, not for us. We'd just be facing the real world together instead of the traumatic dramas of our lives, that most don't have to face in a life time.
After this we'd get a flat together. I know you want to live in the city so I thought somewhere like home that is out of the city centre but still has all the benefits of it. Chickens of course, just for the random factor and to keep me amused. Eventually, if we got the money, we'd get an architect to build a house just for us. But that was a long shot.
Of course they'd be a wedding. I knew how I'd make the proposal and what you'd wear at the wedding and the whole service. I thought you'd want it in a church so I thought I'd go to church for a few weeks prior to the grand event. Then, on the grand day, you'd look beautiful, more beautiful then I'd ever seen you - though when I was dreaming this I wasn't sure of how this would be possible. Your white dress would make you look even more like an angel, but having had one look at it I'd only be able to focus on your eyes. Those deep eyes that would keep me calm and put a smile on my face like nothing else could. Then a plain off to the honeymoon - Australia because of how you loved it.
Kids; two; a boy and a girl, one each was my way of thinking.
As you can see I had our whole lives planned together in my head, plus so much more. Once you said to me, "we'll have to try it some time". I claimed that this was a temporary idea of yours because you wouldn't say such things usually but you but you insisted that it wasn't. Sure enough that idea crumbled and the day it did my dream collapsed. The small part of me that had been stuck in reality all those months knew that you'd find someone and why it wouldn't be me, why it couldn't be me. But I'm glad it wasn't. For if it hadn't, then on the 6th of February you wouldn't have become as happy as I've ever seen you. Congratulations to the both of you.
Cause and Reaction
"SPLIT COPS!!!!" Came a familiar voice from behind. At that we were in motion. I ran through the darkness in whichever direction my legs would take me, without knowing the fate of the others. Rain shot down from the sky into my face, stinging my eyes, hindering my sight, but my feet still new where I was going.
Sirens echoed behind me, so I ducked down an alley. Onwards I fled, through the jungle of nettles -I could hardly feel the stings at my legs. Muffled voices came from a turn off ahead, so I dodged to my left where a fence met drenched body and cut face. Quickly I placed my foot onto a fallen branch, scrambled up the wooden fence and with great force swung my legs over it. A short thud on was heard on the wet ground when I landed, but I didn't wait to here if they'd heard me. On I charged.
I was more than tired by now. I'd come to a row of shops where I kept dodging into there entrances to catch breath and make sure all was clear. When my lungs no longer felt as though knives were stabbing at them and my legs felt attached to me again I sprinted on. Across the street I fled.
Traffic roared as I wove among cars, attempting to escape, find a hide out. Suddenly a white beam of light illuminated on me. I was dead for sure. I held my hands out in its direction and shut my eyes, tight. I hardly notice my half step backwards as the car screeched at me.
I was still here. My hands were on top of the cars bonit. For a brief second I looked up from under my dripping blond and brown fringe. The sight in front of me sunk my heart in my chest. Red and blue flickered across my face and i was being defined by an earsplitting noise. I'd run into a cop car. There was no time for my heart to return to its normal state. Off I went through the storm, to keep going was my only option so I let my feet carry me onwards. The footsteps behind me grew loader.
Then, something grabbed my right arm and I was swung around by the shear force. Flapping my arm furiously, I attempted to struggle free but I knew shortly that it was no use. My left arm was then grabbed also and both were pinned behind my back. I was lowered to the ground and my face was flattened against the hard concrete. A cold trickle of blood ran down the side of my face as the weight of a policeman crushed into my back.
What had I done? Well what hadn't I done would have been a better question.
I'm Casey. Just 2 years before that night, when I was just 14, my mother had died. With my father off in Bangladesh with his second wife I was supposed to go into care. Not wanting to be stuck in that dump I took to the streets. Drink, drugs and theft were just an everyday occurrence. As the addictions grew stronger me and the gang began pulling bigger stunts. It was inevitable that soon enough the police would catch up with us eventually, but that didn't make it any better when it happened.
When a policeman is pressing your face into the ground, there is blood running down your face and your spending the next few nights (at least) in a cell, you can't help but think about what comes next and where things went wrong. Will you ever get out of here? Will you ever fall in love? will you ever have a family? All those thoughts were flowing through your mind you come to one conclusion. If you could do all it all over what's the one thing you'd change to fix everything else?
Sirens echoed behind me, so I ducked down an alley. Onwards I fled, through the jungle of nettles -I could hardly feel the stings at my legs. Muffled voices came from a turn off ahead, so I dodged to my left where a fence met drenched body and cut face. Quickly I placed my foot onto a fallen branch, scrambled up the wooden fence and with great force swung my legs over it. A short thud on was heard on the wet ground when I landed, but I didn't wait to here if they'd heard me. On I charged.
I was more than tired by now. I'd come to a row of shops where I kept dodging into there entrances to catch breath and make sure all was clear. When my lungs no longer felt as though knives were stabbing at them and my legs felt attached to me again I sprinted on. Across the street I fled.
Traffic roared as I wove among cars, attempting to escape, find a hide out. Suddenly a white beam of light illuminated on me. I was dead for sure. I held my hands out in its direction and shut my eyes, tight. I hardly notice my half step backwards as the car screeched at me.
I was still here. My hands were on top of the cars bonit. For a brief second I looked up from under my dripping blond and brown fringe. The sight in front of me sunk my heart in my chest. Red and blue flickered across my face and i was being defined by an earsplitting noise. I'd run into a cop car. There was no time for my heart to return to its normal state. Off I went through the storm, to keep going was my only option so I let my feet carry me onwards. The footsteps behind me grew loader.
Then, something grabbed my right arm and I was swung around by the shear force. Flapping my arm furiously, I attempted to struggle free but I knew shortly that it was no use. My left arm was then grabbed also and both were pinned behind my back. I was lowered to the ground and my face was flattened against the hard concrete. A cold trickle of blood ran down the side of my face as the weight of a policeman crushed into my back.
What had I done? Well what hadn't I done would have been a better question.
I'm Casey. Just 2 years before that night, when I was just 14, my mother had died. With my father off in Bangladesh with his second wife I was supposed to go into care. Not wanting to be stuck in that dump I took to the streets. Drink, drugs and theft were just an everyday occurrence. As the addictions grew stronger me and the gang began pulling bigger stunts. It was inevitable that soon enough the police would catch up with us eventually, but that didn't make it any better when it happened.
When a policeman is pressing your face into the ground, there is blood running down your face and your spending the next few nights (at least) in a cell, you can't help but think about what comes next and where things went wrong. Will you ever get out of here? Will you ever fall in love? will you ever have a family? All those thoughts were flowing through your mind you come to one conclusion. If you could do all it all over what's the one thing you'd change to fix everything else?
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