The Ghost of Hearts

I have words which can break your heart, 
I have thoughts which can make you shatter, 
I have memories which can make you crumble, 
The knowledge i have is dangerous! 
The guns to start a war. 
Ask of me to much, 
and you're on the front line. 
Don't hold me like a toy solider, 
You can't break my armour - 
But tip toe around me, 
For I can destroy yours! 
I am the ghost of hearts, 
Beware my presence!

Haiku - Loves eyes

Diamonds are your eyes,
to me, they hypnotise.
Together we rise.

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Our Year

In Spring the blossoms bloom,

then Summer - Just me and you.

Next Autumn is upon,

Winter and you're gone!

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lily white heart

And in her eyes the sun shone,

revealing herself and all beyond,

Her heart; lily white,

had been claimed one starry night.

Now at last her heart was seen,

by the one who held the key,

Then she had one last wish,

to except loves first kiss

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What was

20^th June 2011. To you this may seem like another insignificant date. To you this may mean nothing at all. To you this have no relevance. To me however, the memory from this day became my sun for many moons which followed, brightening my existence when all was dark. So as you read this know that a day of light will come for you to.

Light shone through my window and fell upon my face that morning as I lay in a dreary existence. Covered pulled to my neck the silence surrounded me and I made no attempt to breach its code. Time felt as though it had stop, because with every glance at the clock the time had hardly changed. So lost I was that I resorted to the realise from my lonely past, knowing that I was ineligible for the new. Nothing I could do would break the pain of worthlessness in my chest.

After what felt like hours had past temptation claimed me. My gleaming hope must be notified or else I would forever torture myself for not taking the risk. As my phone made a noise my heart jumped eagerly for the reply from my shining star. She informed me that she had just arrived home from her stretched birthday weekend, but for me she would come none the less. How my smile didn’t escape my cheeks from the thrill of these words I shall never know.

Within 10minuetes she was there before me in all her glory. The angel I longed for and there she stood. As soon as the door swung open my hands wrapped around her waist, drawing her close as hers tied around my neck. For a moment my chin rested against her shoulder and her familiar cent comforted me, easing my breath. When we pulled away those deep brown eyes which had always absorbed me feel on mine. They told me that she was worried, I didn’t normally ask her to come me. Looking back at her I hoped she would see the response in my eyes, understand that I was alright and that the loneliness had just scared me. She turned away a second later and led the way to my bedroom.

Something was different immediately. Where usually we would permeate a film to talk for us as we simply lay in bed today we spoke. For hours we spoke of life and of our boyfriends. She was happy. Yet she still rarely said the name of the man who made her eyes sparkle as I wished I could, for the safety of my heart I think. I confessed to her how open relationships weren’t nearly as fun as they were supposed to be. Though I hid the reason I was unable to have more than this, her gentle smile would have briefly fallen from where it should remain.

That angel, she could see how delicate I was. To her I was shards of glass which had been hurriedly glued together, in truth I admit I felt weaker than even that though I tried my best not to reveal this. She kept me close, monitoring my movements as though expecting me to collapse in front of her. My head rested on her back as her voice which sounded like honey and spring told me stories of her life and read aloud to me. I was a child, naive and innocent.

After hours I was called down stairs I stood and began walking. The angel sensed my reluctants and from her lips came this “What will I have to do to make you go?” Glued to the floor my feet stopped moving. She was within my heart and for her to ask me such a question was daunting but marvellous. Less than a second past before I knew the answer. Those smooth lips to touch mine once more as I craved could make me do anything, but I didn’t say a word. Instead I gave her a quick hug before proceeding to plod down the stairs.

When I returned her face greeted me and the day continued as it had been before our interruption. It was me and her, today nothing else mattered, nobody else mattered. I knew that had she desired to be elsewhere she could be immediately and yet there she stayed with my unworthy self, remaining touching me at all times. I wished that forever things would remain as such, but eventually she had to go.

That day had been different, magical and we had both felt it I knew we had especially after the arrival of a message from that shining star. I could feel her smile through her words as she told me how she’d enjoyed the day and that we should have days like that more often. My heart beat faster as I agreed. As she continued the idea of importance trickled through her words until she asked me a question I’d been asking myself for months. “Do you think we’d make a good couple”. Being as absorbed by her as I was I carefully chose each word of my answer, trying to convince her that we would. I gave several reasons – we already knew all about each other, we already trusted each other, it would be just like the magic of that day but always, we wouldn’t be taking a giant leap to get there. Faster my heart beat while I awaited her reply. She agreed with me. Not only that but she added the words that would replay in my mind for many months which followed “maybe we should try it sometime”. Knowing her as I did, I believed her to be joking, though she insisted that I wasn’t. A dream of “sometime” formed around her words becoming my fantasy until gradually the words lost their power and become no more than a repeated story from a distant past. She never kept those words, I never expected  her to,  though still with every relationship and every break up I would tell myself that it would be me next and she’d prove me wrong. I don’t resent her for not doing so, my happiness has always relied on that of hers.  I was never great enough to make her happy, give her a gleam in her eyes or get her to do a cute wiggle and that’s partly why she could never be mine as I wanted her to be.

So now here I sit. That day still occasionally replays in my mind, though nothing like it once did. Many questions of our past remain unanswered, and there I now more of them than ever but it will always remain that way. A part of my heart shall remain with her forever, but I was force the rest of myself to leave her. With that I have one last thing to say, if my lips were permitted to part and my voice could carry one final sentence to that girl I loved those words would be “love conquers all but love, so don’t let the earth take the loving angel out of you.”

fight for you

A hand of mine in a hand of yours,
lips meet at twilight
wanting to stay
Closer, ever closer and near.
I fight for you

Your hands are bound behind your back,
So the sun, sets on us.
I reach for you,
but the bars prevent our touch!
And still i fight for you.

Another holds the keys for your release
which you long for.
Yet, your eyes meet mine,
But only locks do i hold!
And still I fight for you,

Lightning flashes above my head,
And there i stand the living dead.
Yet I still fight for you... and always will

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Our magnet

For a reason unknown to myself we were two opposite ends of a magnet. Drawn to each other by force and attraction with little other reasoning behind it in that moment. Suddenly the world was new and unpredictable. Although when I thought about this connection had always existed – though it had been submerged.

While the events of that night unfolded my mind sped back to a memory of you, looping inside my brain. The memory was, as it is now, hazy because it wasn’t until I saw the spark of magic within you that I allowed myself to let you stand out from the rest and even then hope was an unknown world. I remembered the first moment you had an effect on my heart. It was June, the sun was bright above me and its warmth hugged me.  I approached the green and my eyes caught you. My legs began to run towards you, before I’d even questioned their reasoning. The force I hit you with, when at last I reached you should have struck you to the ground yet somehow – with my arms around you, you managed to stay standing. After a moment I took a step back and noticed your attire. You were dressed the way that I would later become to see you. A dress of pearl white dress highlighted you perfectly, with a feathered halo to match and wings to complete the outfit. An angel. I sparked as you took my hand and let our fingers lock for the next few hours. I confess, I gave into your smile, your touch, your beauty as though I was a lost child and now I was complete.

The night continued. One whisper and the world around me changed. No other world existed but us. Other people, other noises became a whirl wind and was gone. Our whispers, our touches were so loud and bold to me it was like lightening – how nobody suspected escapes me. A slow movement of a hand, a brief opening of lips, a change in tone. Every second I felt how you longed for my previously unfamiliar touch, how you wanted me close. Upon my soft neck I could feel your breathing become more intense – urging me to continue.  We stayed close, always touching as though at each other’s release we would awake from this dream. Eventually we had to part, but it was not over. Your sweet breath sighed in my ear as you got to your feet. Lips which longed for the touch of yours curved into a smile at this.

When you returned to me I wanted to be even close to you and you felt the same. Time was running out, we had to leave soon. I took your hand and we sped to the bathroom – somewhere we could be alone. On the way we joked about what we about to do. Then the door was shut behind us and we could see each other clearly for the first time. My hands held your waist and pulled you close as yours wrested around my neck. For a moment I stared into your ocean blue eyes and the world was perfect. Our heads tilted and we leaned in. Warmth hit me as soon as our lips met for the first time. After a blurred amount of time our eyes met again as though some force would always bring them back together. As I looked into the depths of you I saw a smile radiating from inside you, you must have seen the same for seconds later we repeated our sin.

Footsteps. Voices. Girls approaching. We broke apart, but this time our eyes were only able to meet briefly before we each took a few steps apart as the door opened. For now, it was over and you had to leave.

How could I do that to you? Why did you do that to you? As soon as our lips met I made everything so complicated. I made you question what you thought you knew, change who you were and become ashamed of part of you. You said it was nothing, you still do, but nothing destroyed us. And now here we are disconnected and lost. A torturous life was what I gave to you. Yet a magnet still pulls us together.