Suddenly, beneath me my feet were limp, shoes hardly touching the ground. A familiar grasp had been placed around my throat. Gasping, longing for the gift of air to return once more to my lungs my right hand wondered decrepit for my pocket. Pain was removed from me almost as quickly as it had arrived. Before I had even gulped down one lungful of air there a shattering pain in my back from where I’d been shot, like a bullet, against the now reddening tiles behind me. Lips closed a squeezed my eyes as tightly closed as possible trying to remove the pain, but it didn't work - it never did. Soon they drifted open with the blurred sight of the fist against my chest to greet them. My hand continued to search.
A moment’s pause, where my eyes chanced a glance at my attacker. Above me, his soft delicately crafted face appeared unfazed by the exercise. Floppy brown hair, which the sun shone on, half covered a pair of darkening eyes which in this moment could only see me. Soft lips which had appeared in my dreams and my nightmares were partially open, a small piece of suliver stuck on the left corner. Curves from the corners of my own mouth briefly appeared and then vanished as my attacker began to speak. A gruff voice not worthy of the elegance of its owner reached my ears. "I told you not to come down here you fucking queir!" The words struck me like a cobra. My breath quickened just as my roaming hand found my baggy jacket pocket.
At last, power. My fist clenched around the cold steel it had been looking for. Carefully i withdrew the weapon from my pocket. Slowly i raised it upwards aiming it at his head, Billy's head. Its dull black colour made me see it as an appropriate weapon, a match for the colour i imagined Billy's heart to be. My arm kept moving upwards, controlled by the object in my hand until the muzzle was rested on the underside of Billy's chin. The muzzle of a gun.
Change. As soon as a weapon had been removed from its hiding place Billy changed. His tightened fist eased back from my stomach until it was by his side. A bead of sweat began to grow on his smooth for head until it drifted down his face. Those soft lips now began to tremble. But the biggest change was in his eyes. Darkness had vanished from them and now they had returned to their usual gleaming sapphire. Unblinking there gaze remained solely on the gun.
Many months ago Billy and I had been close, more than close. Together we concurred all thrown at us. Wars of teenage life kept firing each, but our two man army fought them off without a scar. We soured as a pair of ravens above the world in which we lived. I wish someone had warned us that although a single raven brings luck, more than one predicts trouble ahead.
People used to call us "bro's" but the word sounded foreign when directed at us. One night we realised why. It had been the end of the school year and the celebrations begun as soon as darkness fell. Fields were alive with free teenagers, who appeared full of electricity. As the darkness grew the energy built and the drinking became an addiction. Billy and I were the power stations, at the centre of everything. Our brains were in a lost land.
Chimes of a distance church reached our ears, reminding us of the late hour. Hearts racing we looked at each other. In that moment the moon caught Billy's face and he looked almost angelic. Gleaming eyes looked at me and for that moment everything was pure. We both leaned our heads closer. A long pause, then our lips touched for the first time. Never before had I felt the rough pleasure of another man’s lips. Before long his lips were tight around mine and my bottom lip pulled back slightly urging him to come closer. Nothing was in my mind but him.
Then our lips stopped touching. His hands felt like fire as he shoved me away from him. Beneath me my feet stumbled backwards. Tipping backwards I reached out towards Billy for a hand to stay stable, but it never came. Instead my body tumbled downwards and crashed into the rocky floor below. Though I knew my back was now badly bruised I felt no pain, none physical at least. However, the sight of Billy standing above me, face rough and cruel, was the most pain I’d ever felt. For a moment I thought I saw shame and sorrow in his eyes, it lingered for a moment then faded, as though I’d imagined it, into resentment. Then he spoke words to me which I shall never forget: “leave me alone fag”. With that his back faced me and he walked away. I’d never seen his steps drift the way they did then and somehow I knew that they never would again. Soon the crowd had swallowed him whole. It was only then that I realised I was caged in by onlookers. Angered, shocked faces made them appear like gargoyles. My eyes glanced over them for just a second before returning to the spot where Billy had been consumed. With that I glanced down at my muddy hand and used it to push myself up to my feet. My left foot lifted up for moment to take a step forwards and then I placed it back on the ground. Before I could do anything more I was on the ground again. A bulky boy who must have been about 6ft tall had barged into me and thrown me back to the ground. He wasn’t even someone who I recognised, though the darkness had hidden his face a little. Hell had begun.
Reality appeared again before me. Sweat covered my entire body especially the red hand clasping the gun. The pain felt from that moment floods over finding new desire to hurt, to bring justice to its source. A scream was stuck in my throat, it had been there for months but it wasn’t until now that I realised it. I screwed up my eyes and prepared to release it as I fired. Tears were building up in my eyes but I didn’t give into it. I let my veins flow with the poison Billy had put there, when I could feel it stretch throughout my entire body – my fingertips, my lips, my toes I opened my eyes. Billy new it was coming. So he gave one last word “please”. My dark eyes looked down into his; tears began flowing out of them. I didn’t care so I pressed the gun harder into his flesh. One final glance at the eyes with life of them.
The earth shook as the shot was fired. My scream released at last. Hell collapsed and I was a raven once more, free to fly. Perhaps this is what had to happen ever since that kiss and there was nothing that could have been done to change it. Without our bond remaining how it was we were both dead from that moment. Today was the end.
Billy took a deep breath in and was startled to find that he was still there. Eyes which had closed as the shot was fired now opened and saw my body falling to the ground. Blood was pouring from my chest as I drooped to the floor. The world was blurred and I was going. Billy leaned over my body and raised my head into his lap. His head lowered to mine, so close that I could feel his smooth face against my cheek. A tear is rolling down it and I know that it’s for me. “I’m sorry” he whispered into my ear. For a brief moment he lets his lips touch mine and gives me on last sweet kiss. He then raised his tearful face just above mine so I can see it as I draw my last breath and close my eyes.
In the end I was unable to kill the boy who I loved so much and he was unable to hide his love back for me. If only he’d shown his heart, if only I’d told someone how I felt, if only things had gone a little bit different my body would not be 6ft under. Life is twisted and so is its end. Remember - love conquers all but love itself.
