Search This Blog

Sunday 5 February 2012

The start of darkness Part 1

You could say that nothing bad has ever happened in my life, and I guess that in a way you'd be right. I've never been attacked, been seriously ill or even been close to anyone who has died. You could say that nothing bad has ever happened in my life, but I think you'd be wrong.

My life had been cloudy for five long months on the day I got struck with realisation. I'd never been very close to my parents, but I'd never truly hated them before that day either.

As usual on a weekday evening I was home alone. As I've already stated, I've never been very close to my parents. My dad was on his way home from work... for a change. Thought the thought of my dad arriving home at 5:30 as apposed to after a few drinks in no way lightened my mood like it should, but it was no doubt a good thing all the same. My younger sister, Molly, could be at dancing, with a friend or near on anywhere really. I was never really sure where she was. I didn't have much of an idea where my mum was either; she often went out with her friend Hannah after, but for all I knew she could have been dead - I don't even think my life would have changed that much if she had been. Not knowing where those I lived with were had seemed normal to me for 2 years at this point. Some weekend mornings I could wake up not knowing who was at home, let alone where anyone was. So all in all it was normal school night for me. As was routine having been home for bout an hour I ambled downstairs and onto the family computer.

Time ticked way with my bordem as I waited impatiently for the computer to load. When eventually the Internet had loaded i clicked onto favourites in order to find facebook, my favourite social site, on top of the list. It wasn't. In its place was a website called 'okcupid.com'. This confused me greatly. Why would anyone from my household use this? There must have been a mistake. Being as naive as I was I clicked on it. To this day I still wish I hadn't, wish I had broken the illusion of my life. But I did.

Seconds when past like hours as I waited for the page to appear before me. After what could have only been a couple of minuets the page had loaded. To my absolute horror I saw my fathers face looking back at me. This couldn't be happening, not really, could it? With disbelieving eyes I stared at the page, all the while knowing that this was reality, that it was there. What had I done to deserve this? I unfroze. The words before me now began to register within my brain. On the top right of the page there was a facts section. One of them jumped out at me as soon as I'd seen the words. The first read " Join date: August 1". This meant that my parents had been separated for at least four and a half months, without dropping a word. I didn't know what I was feeling, what should I be feeling? What would anyone else be feeling? My eyes then fell upon the line beneath this which said "looking for: New friends, short-term dating, long-term dating". This was a nightmare, it had to be, my parents were not my favourite people in the world but they were not arrogant enough to keep this from us. They would have said something by now, wouldn't they? I could feel a darkness growing inside of me, but I didn't try to suppress it. Let the darkness rise and become my controller, I had nothing to lose.

With a tremendous effort i kept reading the page. It was as though this web page was a drug. As soon as I saw it I was drawn to it and now I had seen its secrets I couldn't let go of it. I must keep reading, for otherwise there was nothingness and I would be lost. I read the self summary next. Mostly, this was just waffle about my dads hobbies and interests, nothing of much significance t all. Until I reached the last line. "I have said that I am single, which is how I now regard myself to be, but the reality is I am still married. The divorce will happen when I get the motivation to do so. I have two children Sophie and Molly aged 14 and 11. I love them and they will always be a part of my life." This time, I couldn't read on. It was lies, all lies. It was as though I was being enlightened, but by the devil. Everything now made sense, my fathers absences, the lack of family holidays, the spear bed always being out. Bleeding upon the floor beside me was the part of my heart which had once belonged to my family. "buboom... buboom" slower and slower it beat "buboom... buboom" a train coming to a holt "buboom... buboom" until "buboom" it stopped forever and was gone.

Tears began trickling down the side of my face at the loss, blurring my vision. This was one of those moments that we all experience in our lives where we know that this is the end of all that is known and nothing can be the same again. So i printed out the page as a symbol of that moment, of that day, of that change. Without it, I think I would have imagined it all a dream.



Later that night, when was in bed, I let the tears fall. The devils words were on repeat within my head and with each replaying my darkness grew closer to the surface. After many hours I fell into a light sleep, but it followed me. Flashes of that night are all I can remember. A full moon, tangled trees, an empty room, cloaked figures, howling winds. Puzzles peaces which to this day I can not fit together.

For a moment the next morning I'd forgotten about the last 24hours, but only for a moment. Before long my memory leaked through into my dazed reality. My hand reached under my pillow for the print out, to my dismay my finger tips touched quicker then I had hoped for. Inside I was burning, but there was no way to put out the fire - I could only lower its glare. Questions were rolling around in my head as the I was a journalist. Why didn't they tell me? Why had I had to find out for myself? Why had I been so nosey? What was I going to do now? but most importantly 'who was I going to live with?' The answer came to me almost as fast as the question had, neither. I didn't want to live with either of them. Lieing to me about something that would change my whole life, does that sound like what family would do to you? It sounded like my dad was going to be the one leaving us as though we were but a childish dream, but we'd get a choice who we lived with. I was sure of that and that alone.

Making myself more upset by doing so, I began thinking about what it would be like living with mum. Several reasons not to stay with her instantly sprung to mind. She was always with her best friend Hannah and her 2 year old daughter Lily-mae. They were never in! This would mean me trying to cook on a regular basis. Then their is the fact that I've always gotten the feeling that my mother preferred my sister to myself. At this time especially they were so much more alike then me and my mother had ever and possibly will ever be. To start with they are both very musical people playing around 3 instruments each, where as I had always been more of a lyricist. They both enjoying ballet and tap and generally as well as shopping and wearing dresses - I was about as far from this as any civilised human being could be. So generally they had similar personalities and interests and I was just left there on the outside in my own world separate from the four of then. But above all else I think the reason I didn't want to live with her was how much we clashed . We'd have arguments of the tiniest little things just because of seeing the world differently and there was nothing I wanted more than to escape the standards and dreary world she forced me to live through. I can't remember a time when things were right between us, it was just a role of disappoints which lead to separation and then later to arguments. This I needed to escape.

Then there was my father, the man whom I had always relied on, the man who raised me, played with me as a child, the man who broke my heart. One weeknights his presence was even rarer than mums, though on weekends he was home he'd try to make it up by spending time with me - but now I knew this was out of guilt and that alone. Plus there was the idea of moving, it might be nice to get away but I grew up here, my friends were here, I had memories here and that's one change I don't think I could have coped with. You may be surprised by the fact that I didn't include the prospects of him having a new girlfriend, but to be honest when I was a child I would look at my parents and I could never understand why they were together. Its tragic I know, but its true. Besides, who am I to tell him not to pursue his happiness when their is a darkness inside of me, when I had been living looking for that ray of sunshine to break through the grey. No his future was his choice. So really I'd rather live with my father but I wouldn't want to burden him with my being there.

A week past and my friends were convinced that I should tell my parents that I knew of their secret but what did they know. One friend was so worried she threatened to tell them herself unless I did so. When a week later she did not bring the topic up I thought she'd forgotten or assumed no matter what telling them was something I wouldn't do. I say 'I thought' as the next day she unveiled herself. She believed that I'd made the whole thing up for attention and even stated that "[she] refused to give me any more sympathy". Unfortunately many of my friends agreed with her saying I was "fabricating it all". Anger bubbled inside of me at the arrival of this news. How dare they think I'd do that. How dare they think I would fake such a serious matter, or that anybody would. This thought process was clearly evident within my response for she was taking aback at my reply. It didn't even faze me - I wanted to raise my fist a force it into the side of her skull, but I didn't. One look into those deep green eyes which I new so well calmed me instantly. It was as though they had a power over me that I couldn't explain and changing my mood was only one of their abilities. So I took a breath and journeyed onwards in the unknown...


To be continued...


 

No comments:

Post a Comment