Can you feel it when your heart breaks? I mean physically feel it in your chest, as your heart shatters into tiny shards all of which are barely visible and are insignificant. Well i know that you can.
Hardly anything at all can cause your heart an injury, just a decision, a sentence or the expression in a pair of gorgeous eyes is all it takes. Once that first chip appears, and your unable to free yourself from the powerful love which is keeping you rooted where you are, you become fragile, delicate, the slightest nudge could break you. That small chip which hurt you and seemed to become faded is just the start, because it grows. It starts as a chip but that grows into a cut which becomes a crack and then your heart falls to peaces.
When your heart falls you can feel it inside you, though the rest of your insides are empty. It aches in your chest, and you can feel every tiny peace still beating inside you, doing its best to keep you alive. Except your not sure if you want to be anymore. And there's a darkness that has a hold of your chest squeezing it tighter and tighter and you feel like you have to run, to escape or else you will surely suffocate, so that's what you do. You find an excuse, any excuse you can to get away, for just 5minuets so you can breath and prolong the pain, if only for a short time its worth it so it remains hidden, a secret.
And that's it. Expecting another few paragraphs? a sign of hope? something more? Well this is it, a sudden end. In a way its like love or heartbreak, sudden. So I'm sorry, it's over now. This is the end.
Sunday, 17 July 2011
Thursday, 7 July 2011
I and you
I want to hold your hand,
In the dead of the night,
I want to dance with you,
In the middle of the street,
I want to run a mile in the rain,
Just to see you for 5minuets,
I never loved,
Until i kissed your gentle face,
I never hurt,
Until I could be with you no longer,
I never cried,
Until you loved another,
no one else matters, in comparison with you,
so know that my heart, will always be with you,
In the dead of the night,
I want to dance with you,
In the middle of the street,
I want to run a mile in the rain,
Just to see you for 5minuets,
I never loved,
Until i kissed your gentle face,
I never hurt,
Until I could be with you no longer,
I never cried,
Until you loved another,
no one else matters, in comparison with you,
so know that my heart, will always be with you,
Wednesday, 22 June 2011
The wounds
I'm only human. We can all break or shatter.The events in our past make our present and our future through the decisions which we make. Mine, has made me more breakable than most. Someone that matters to me can hurt me with there actions in a minuet, two words or even just the tone of there voice. That's all it takes for me to fall down, a broken vase.
But there's something you should know. I am fragile yes so I can be easily broken, but because of that when I face the same thing again I am easier to rebuild. It takes a mere week, maybe only a few days to mend where the first time it may have taken months for me to grow back in to what I was before hand. Though I'm like a child, I can't do it alone, I'm not strong enough. I need someone to help me find and place the peaces of my puzzle, or else i will get worse. The wound which only needed a few hugs, a talk and some loving attention will become infected by the suffering of feeling being unwanted.
You were never meant to know that you hurt me the way you do. You should have never seen the cuts, the bruises and the scars which I get from you, because it worries and scares you that you can do this to me and so easily. Though you shouldn't. These wounds are so easily heeled that you don't need knowledge of them for them to become just marks from the past. Just one hour with you can makes the cuts become light scratches on the skin and the bruises disappear altogether. But you know me to well. You are protective of me as we both know, so every 20 minuets or so that I am with you I get checked for signs of damage. Anything that wasn't there before, a change in mood or a different look in my eyes gets noticed, noted and questioned. So you realise when something has hurt me.
I don't mind that I get hurt being with you. With the amount of time we spend together it was inevitable and I wouldn't change that for the world. Though I know you try your best, you can't always sensor what you do or say and I get hurt. When you hurt me it goes straight to the heart and will stay there until it stops hurting because you've heeled it, weather or not you know you are. It then moves from my heart to my brain where I continue to over analysis it but now it is now joined with the the thoughts of how you made it better until the strength of this heeling that you gave me overcomes any moments which you let your guard down and it is gone.
In reading this you may worry, well please don't. You are the silver lining on a cloud. I know you never mean to hurt me, and i wouldn't ever want to prevent you from following your heart because of me. Seeing you happy and with someone else is much better than seeing you lifeless from protecting me. Your happiness means more to me than anything else ever does, so crack a smile and stop worrying. The little moments of misguided thought that hurts me I can deal with, I've had the practice, but I can't deal with you being forced into a bank volt worrying about touching the beams, I don't want to do that to you. So just relax and be you. I'll be ok, I promise.
As hard as you try you can never protect me from everything, though I love that you try. You were worried that this was because you try to protect me so much that you just don't see someone coming to hurt me. No, that's not it. Your just not a super hero, though it's fair to say you're mine with all that you do for me. You can't control other people so they are going to keep firing bullets at my heart and some will get through that shield which you put up around me. But I don't worry about those that do because I know that you will always be there to heal it afterwards. In fact at one point when I got hurt I saw the good side, that yes I was in a lot of pain and you were worried but at least I got to be close to you while you made the world better again.
I'm scared, one day you won't be here anymore and my best medicine will be gone. You say there will be someone in your place but you are truly irreplaceable. Someone may come along one day and protect me and heal me also, but nobody will ever do it in the same way as you do because you're special. I don't like the idea of someone else heeling me, that means you won't be here anymore and I don't want that. Where will you be? Will I even be remembered? The one that's spent so long tending me when I'm in pain, and I hope that I do the same to you. We've been through more than just a lot together in such a short space of time, that most people never have to face in a life time. We stood in the face of everything hand in hand, side by side and ready for the war and every time we got out alive. I can't leave you. I can't forget you. I can't release you. And I won't. You're mine forever.
But there's something you should know. I am fragile yes so I can be easily broken, but because of that when I face the same thing again I am easier to rebuild. It takes a mere week, maybe only a few days to mend where the first time it may have taken months for me to grow back in to what I was before hand. Though I'm like a child, I can't do it alone, I'm not strong enough. I need someone to help me find and place the peaces of my puzzle, or else i will get worse. The wound which only needed a few hugs, a talk and some loving attention will become infected by the suffering of feeling being unwanted.
You were never meant to know that you hurt me the way you do. You should have never seen the cuts, the bruises and the scars which I get from you, because it worries and scares you that you can do this to me and so easily. Though you shouldn't. These wounds are so easily heeled that you don't need knowledge of them for them to become just marks from the past. Just one hour with you can makes the cuts become light scratches on the skin and the bruises disappear altogether. But you know me to well. You are protective of me as we both know, so every 20 minuets or so that I am with you I get checked for signs of damage. Anything that wasn't there before, a change in mood or a different look in my eyes gets noticed, noted and questioned. So you realise when something has hurt me.
I don't mind that I get hurt being with you. With the amount of time we spend together it was inevitable and I wouldn't change that for the world. Though I know you try your best, you can't always sensor what you do or say and I get hurt. When you hurt me it goes straight to the heart and will stay there until it stops hurting because you've heeled it, weather or not you know you are. It then moves from my heart to my brain where I continue to over analysis it but now it is now joined with the the thoughts of how you made it better until the strength of this heeling that you gave me overcomes any moments which you let your guard down and it is gone.
In reading this you may worry, well please don't. You are the silver lining on a cloud. I know you never mean to hurt me, and i wouldn't ever want to prevent you from following your heart because of me. Seeing you happy and with someone else is much better than seeing you lifeless from protecting me. Your happiness means more to me than anything else ever does, so crack a smile and stop worrying. The little moments of misguided thought that hurts me I can deal with, I've had the practice, but I can't deal with you being forced into a bank volt worrying about touching the beams, I don't want to do that to you. So just relax and be you. I'll be ok, I promise.
As hard as you try you can never protect me from everything, though I love that you try. You were worried that this was because you try to protect me so much that you just don't see someone coming to hurt me. No, that's not it. Your just not a super hero, though it's fair to say you're mine with all that you do for me. You can't control other people so they are going to keep firing bullets at my heart and some will get through that shield which you put up around me. But I don't worry about those that do because I know that you will always be there to heal it afterwards. In fact at one point when I got hurt I saw the good side, that yes I was in a lot of pain and you were worried but at least I got to be close to you while you made the world better again.
I'm scared, one day you won't be here anymore and my best medicine will be gone. You say there will be someone in your place but you are truly irreplaceable. Someone may come along one day and protect me and heal me also, but nobody will ever do it in the same way as you do because you're special. I don't like the idea of someone else heeling me, that means you won't be here anymore and I don't want that. Where will you be? Will I even be remembered? The one that's spent so long tending me when I'm in pain, and I hope that I do the same to you. We've been through more than just a lot together in such a short space of time, that most people never have to face in a life time. We stood in the face of everything hand in hand, side by side and ready for the war and every time we got out alive. I can't leave you. I can't forget you. I can't release you. And I won't. You're mine forever.
Friday, 17 June 2011
What you really are
To My best friend, this blog is in response to your one called 'One Day' because it was to long to comment.
One day I will realise how everything you warned me about you is the opposite of the true you because any person who tells you that you are even close to how you see yourself so is either lying due to anger or has no idea who you really are but are jealous of what they see.
Yes, my best friend I have let my defences down with you but, I don't regret that and never will. Although I know you are a tremendous actress I think its also fair to say that I have also seen you when you weren't acting and i still didn't see the monster which you speak of. I love you for who you are, believe that it's good enough.
You may be young, we both are but you've faced a lot of things that many people never have to face in a life time let alone by the age of 16. That makes you one of the strongest person i know. And mentally you are very wise and way over 16. Despite what you think there is not a trace of evil within you, there is good and bad like in all people but nothing more than that and there never can be because you are above that and are much to good a person.
I've heard what people don't like about you, but those people haven't ever taken the time to get to know you and see what me and all the others who are lucky enough to get close to you have. And the fact that the one exception to this regrets her mistakes after just remembering the true you proves that. There was one day where a slight part of my mind doubted you and that day we had one of the only two fights we've had and i hated it and i hated myself for it and for ever having any doubt of you because It was so wrong of me to lose even the smallest amount of faith in you for just a second. We're never going back to a day like that again.
I will leave you, because as you've probably realised I tend to hang onto people who were once my close friends and i hold on to them for a very long time. We may not be as close as we are now forever but I will never hate you and you have my word on that. So you better prepare yourself because you're stuck with my annoying arse forever.
The things which I love about you I will love forever and I shall never think of you when I think of my stupidity. Being friends with you is one of the smartest things I've ever done and where would I be without you? because the thought of that and the fact after 2 years we won't be together any more scares me more than almost anything else. I know what I see in you and I will always remember you, my best friend. And if you change, well then I guess you'll have to deal with me changing alongside you.
One day you will realise you are not a monster and that it's what your friends think of you that is who you really are.
From your forever friend xx
One day I will realise how everything you warned me about you is the opposite of the true you because any person who tells you that you are even close to how you see yourself so is either lying due to anger or has no idea who you really are but are jealous of what they see.
Yes, my best friend I have let my defences down with you but, I don't regret that and never will. Although I know you are a tremendous actress I think its also fair to say that I have also seen you when you weren't acting and i still didn't see the monster which you speak of. I love you for who you are, believe that it's good enough.
You may be young, we both are but you've faced a lot of things that many people never have to face in a life time let alone by the age of 16. That makes you one of the strongest person i know. And mentally you are very wise and way over 16. Despite what you think there is not a trace of evil within you, there is good and bad like in all people but nothing more than that and there never can be because you are above that and are much to good a person.
I've heard what people don't like about you, but those people haven't ever taken the time to get to know you and see what me and all the others who are lucky enough to get close to you have. And the fact that the one exception to this regrets her mistakes after just remembering the true you proves that. There was one day where a slight part of my mind doubted you and that day we had one of the only two fights we've had and i hated it and i hated myself for it and for ever having any doubt of you because It was so wrong of me to lose even the smallest amount of faith in you for just a second. We're never going back to a day like that again.
I will leave you, because as you've probably realised I tend to hang onto people who were once my close friends and i hold on to them for a very long time. We may not be as close as we are now forever but I will never hate you and you have my word on that. So you better prepare yourself because you're stuck with my annoying arse forever.
The things which I love about you I will love forever and I shall never think of you when I think of my stupidity. Being friends with you is one of the smartest things I've ever done and where would I be without you? because the thought of that and the fact after 2 years we won't be together any more scares me more than almost anything else. I know what I see in you and I will always remember you, my best friend. And if you change, well then I guess you'll have to deal with me changing alongside you.
One day you will realise you are not a monster and that it's what your friends think of you that is who you really are.
From your forever friend xx
Wednesday, 15 June 2011
it could happen to you
When you're scared, what do you do? When fear strikes into the depth of your heart and it feels like nothing will ever be the same again what can you do?
Its happened the thing which you've been dreading for your entire life, yet never really thought it would happen to you. You are to innocent, to ugly, to different for a pedophile or a psycho to blackmail you. But it has to happen to somebody, so why not you? You don't realise it, and i didn't either until recently, that when you don't expect it something or someone can change or effect your life forever but sometimes its not in a good way. You can meet someone for the first time and instantly know that you want to be with them or that you'll be great friends, but you can also meet someone and not see the down side, who they really are. So be careful with new people, believe me it will save you a lot of hassle.
But when it happens to do what can you do? You feel alone and separate from the rest of the world because nobody has ever been thought this before so who can you turn to. Your heart starts pounding in your chest because you're in trouble and you know it but you can't see a way out or any chance of a happy ending. All you want to do is run, escape and go to somewhere safe and free away from all of this but you know that you have to come back sometime and face it all again so you can't. The thoughts that rush through your head at the moment you think you've lost the battle is indescribable. Home, is the last place in the world you want to be or ever want to be again, but you don't want to be around people and have to act and pretend that you're okay. You don't want to go through this any longer, you don't want to hurt or suffer or think any more. You would rather die than keep going on with the world knowing the mistakes you made.
But sometimes you get lucky. Sometimes, if you are won of the luckiest people on this planet somebody will help you. The world will never find out the mistakes you made and you won't have to face it all anymore because somebody is fighting the battle along with you and protecting you at all costs. If you have a parent, a partner or a great friend who does this for you make sure you know how grateful you are to them ever single day because they deserve it for saving you.
Nothing will ever be the same again, or for a while. Weather you lost the battle or were saved by someone you care about you don't feel the same. You're still in shock and getting your head around it for weeks. There are several things which you don't think you can do anymore in fear that history might repeat itself, so you are very careful. But i promise you this, whatever happens it gets better so don't be afraid.
Its happened the thing which you've been dreading for your entire life, yet never really thought it would happen to you. You are to innocent, to ugly, to different for a pedophile or a psycho to blackmail you. But it has to happen to somebody, so why not you? You don't realise it, and i didn't either until recently, that when you don't expect it something or someone can change or effect your life forever but sometimes its not in a good way. You can meet someone for the first time and instantly know that you want to be with them or that you'll be great friends, but you can also meet someone and not see the down side, who they really are. So be careful with new people, believe me it will save you a lot of hassle.
But when it happens to do what can you do? You feel alone and separate from the rest of the world because nobody has ever been thought this before so who can you turn to. Your heart starts pounding in your chest because you're in trouble and you know it but you can't see a way out or any chance of a happy ending. All you want to do is run, escape and go to somewhere safe and free away from all of this but you know that you have to come back sometime and face it all again so you can't. The thoughts that rush through your head at the moment you think you've lost the battle is indescribable. Home, is the last place in the world you want to be or ever want to be again, but you don't want to be around people and have to act and pretend that you're okay. You don't want to go through this any longer, you don't want to hurt or suffer or think any more. You would rather die than keep going on with the world knowing the mistakes you made.
But sometimes you get lucky. Sometimes, if you are won of the luckiest people on this planet somebody will help you. The world will never find out the mistakes you made and you won't have to face it all anymore because somebody is fighting the battle along with you and protecting you at all costs. If you have a parent, a partner or a great friend who does this for you make sure you know how grateful you are to them ever single day because they deserve it for saving you.
Nothing will ever be the same again, or for a while. Weather you lost the battle or were saved by someone you care about you don't feel the same. You're still in shock and getting your head around it for weeks. There are several things which you don't think you can do anymore in fear that history might repeat itself, so you are very careful. But i promise you this, whatever happens it gets better so don't be afraid.
Monday, 13 June 2011
The changes of us
You're there, right next to me, and your mine. What miracle did I perform to deserve this. After all this time, all my waiting, all my longing and at last we'd become us. No longer did I have to love being with you, but suffer through it. That all seems silly now, when i'm lying here in your arms, but i remember it so clearly its as though that those dark, miserable times only ended this morning. Every night, when i sleep, the memories are there, tormenting me.
I would be near you all the time, but i could not touch you or even get within a foot of you for fear you might find it strange. I could make you laugh, but when you were down there was never anything i could do to make you smile, and your stubbornness didn't help the matter, and it was killing me. Like a slow torture eating away at my insides day after day, but i couldn't show it, I could never let you see the pain you were putting me through because i knew it would hurt you and the last thing that I've ever wanted was to hurt you. I swear I've never wanted anything more in my life then to be with you. Honestly from deep within my heart I have know idea how I of all people managed to see you day after day and not kiss you or tell you, show you how i much I did, and still, do care for you.
Thank goodness I don't have to restrain myself any longer, because we're together now. I'm not sure about "meant to be" or any of that which we hear and read about but I do know how I feel about you. I never want to leave you, or hurt you and you are the only thing that matters to me because without you I am nothing and I mean nothing. Hundreds may have said this to you before I did, and meant it as I do, but I promise you with me it's different. With the way I feel about you there's no going back because I'm in forever. And I love you.
I would be near you all the time, but i could not touch you or even get within a foot of you for fear you might find it strange. I could make you laugh, but when you were down there was never anything i could do to make you smile, and your stubbornness didn't help the matter, and it was killing me. Like a slow torture eating away at my insides day after day, but i couldn't show it, I could never let you see the pain you were putting me through because i knew it would hurt you and the last thing that I've ever wanted was to hurt you. I swear I've never wanted anything more in my life then to be with you. Honestly from deep within my heart I have know idea how I of all people managed to see you day after day and not kiss you or tell you, show you how i much I did, and still, do care for you.
Thank goodness I don't have to restrain myself any longer, because we're together now. I'm not sure about "meant to be" or any of that which we hear and read about but I do know how I feel about you. I never want to leave you, or hurt you and you are the only thing that matters to me because without you I am nothing and I mean nothing. Hundreds may have said this to you before I did, and meant it as I do, but I promise you with me it's different. With the way I feel about you there's no going back because I'm in forever. And I love you.
Saturday, 11 June 2011
How you saw me
How can you see me the way you do? You think that I'm crazy, smart, pretty and everything else, but I'm not any of these things, I'm not even close. Crazy, that's just an act so people don't see the true crying, angry monster within me. Smart, maybe i give that impression but i can't be to smart as I'd risk it all for you - my family, my exams, my future. And as for being pretty, i have no idea how you ever managed to draw that conclusion because I am the opposite inside and out.
You once told me that i was like a god and that I should have statue. I smiled when you said so, knowing you were teasing me but knowing that cared. I never deserved to be thought of as being so important. Yet i could never understand why you would think up such ideas just to put a smile on my face, but it works.
But now I don't have to wonder anymore do I, because i should have said 'how did you see me the way you did?' because you're with her now aren't you? Not a word to me, things just changed. I used to say "someones life can change in an hour, the world can change in a day so just imagine what can happen in a week" but it didn't even take you an hour did it? Just a matter of minuets. How was there a pedestal under me one second and the next my head was at your feet? I am not asking you this question in fear of the answer as you might think, but because i need and deserve the answer if nothing else.
So goodbye x
You once told me that i was like a god and that I should have statue. I smiled when you said so, knowing you were teasing me but knowing that cared. I never deserved to be thought of as being so important. Yet i could never understand why you would think up such ideas just to put a smile on my face, but it works.
But now I don't have to wonder anymore do I, because i should have said 'how did you see me the way you did?' because you're with her now aren't you? Not a word to me, things just changed. I used to say "someones life can change in an hour, the world can change in a day so just imagine what can happen in a week" but it didn't even take you an hour did it? Just a matter of minuets. How was there a pedestal under me one second and the next my head was at your feet? I am not asking you this question in fear of the answer as you might think, but because i need and deserve the answer if nothing else.
So goodbye x
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)